The Black Wings
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: A mysterious woman befriends Leo, but the relationship is hampered by his brothers suspicions.
1. Chapter 1

_I realize that I'm not too good at Mikey's POV. Probably means I need to practice it. I put up a challenge for this idea at Stealthy Stories, but everybody seems really preoccupied with my casket challenge. Hehe. Trying to remember how boys flirted when I was sixteen. They aren't terribly subtle, if I remember rightly. At least the ones I knew, anyway. Might change the title if I think of something better._

It was one of those tense afternoons when everyone expects something to happen and the expectation blocks out all reasonable means of distraction. Don was sitting on April's couch, watching figure skating. There was no lab to hide in here. He glanced at the front door every few seconds, listening.

Mikey felt bad for him. He knew Don had a very small sphere of influence and it was hard for that sphere to expand. He remembered when they'd first met their only human friends. Casey claimed that he didn't know Don could talk for at least a week.

"Why does Leo need a girl all to himself?" Don asked, watching a steroid-filled figure skater land an inhuman jump. "Isn't April enough for him?"

Mikey said, "Sure, April's great. She's enough woman for all of us. But I think he needs something that April isn't giving him. I bet this girl puts out."

"Michelangelo!" Master Splinter said. "Have some respect for your brother and for this girl! We have had a long discussion about this and need I remind you that physical relationships with humans are still forbidden! For all of you!" He glowered significantly at Leo, who was too busy straightening every already straight object within arm's reach to notice the reprimand.

Raph set the table, dumping the plates in their settings and making a lot of unnecessary racket. "Don't worry. We're too ugly for humans."

Mikey knew that most of the emphasis of this meeting was on Raph. And sure enough, Leo was biting his lip and watching Raph as he sat heavily at the table and waited for the food to be served, showing no indication that he would get up to greet the dinner guest.

Don leaned over to Mikey and whispered in his ear, "Leo with a girlfriend? Ugh."

"Took the words right of my mouth." The idea made him want to gag. He pictured a girl hanging around the dojo, watching them practice. He wasn't averse to the idea of more girls in their lives, but the idea of watching one making out with his brother in plain view of them all made his stomach bubble uncomfortably.

He wondered what it was doing to Raph. The way he was scowling across the room at Leo, gave him an indication that it made him want to punch Leo. But everything seemed to make him want to punch Leo, so maybe everything was okay with him.

There was a light knock on the door and Leo fluttered his hands in the air, as if they were all being unreasonably noisy and the sound might hurt her delicate ears. April went to the door, laughing as he shushed him and told him to calm down. Master Splinter positioned himself behind April as the formal secondary host of the evening, waiting to be introduced to the guest.

And then she was in the room. Don and Mikey turned around, looking at her over the back of the couch. Mikey realized that they must look like they were hiding like little children and then sprung over the back of the couch and sprinted over to shake her hand.

She was about as tall as April. He was surprised at how pretty she was. Her hair was long and black and she smiled around nervously at them all. She was wearing a strange dress and looked a little like she'd come from a renaissance fair. It was a long gauzy dress like girls wore in Jane Austen mini-series'. It looked like a nightgown. She was holding a casserole dish in her hands, which were shaking slightly and the lid clattered with every shake. "I brought some green bean casserole. I hope that's okay. Leo didn't tell me what to bring."

"Yeah, he's a real brute," April said, trying to smile at her as she took the dish. Trying, but not managing.

April pushed it into Mikey's hands and waved him away towards the kitchen. He huffed into the other room. Why was he sent into the kitchen like the family slave? They always made him do everything. Mikey heard Leo's voice calling for Raph and saw his brother's shell leave the doorway. He quickly followed, curious to see what Raph would do.

He held out his hand to the girl, not bothering to offer a smile or any indication that he was appreciative of her company or presence in the room. He looked rather frightening, Mikey thought, or he would look frightening to a stranger anyway. The girl's eyes widened as she took his hand delicately and winced at his strength.

Leo was smiling brightly and Mikey wondered if his cheeks would hurt tonight from the strain. He said, "Raph this is Emma. Emma, this is my brother Raphael."

"I've heard a lot about you," she said.

"Can't say the same," he growled back.

Leo's eyes darted back and forth between them. Mikey thought he must be mentally gauging the animosity.

"You're named after the archangel Raphael. Did you know that?"

"I thought he was a rap singer," Raph said, letting go of her hand as soon as he could.

She was blushing and jumping from one foot to the other. Mikey thought it looked like she was trying not to run away from him. "He's the angel of healing and matchmaking."

April giggled. "That's our Butch. Quite the romantic."

"We gonna eat?" he asked April, now ignoring Emma completely.

Mikey hung back for a second, as Don and Splinter followed Raph and April into the kitchen, making a lot of unnecessary noise of praise over the green bean casserole. Leo took her hands in his and Mikey had that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that he'd anticipated. It was that feeling that he got when he watched Casey and April cuddling. It was a feeling like he was supposed to stop existing for the moment because they had both willed the rest of the world away. What was Mikey supposed to buy Emma for Christmas? What do you get a girl who dates a sexless ninja who can't go out in public? She put her hands on his chest and Mikey thought he should interrupt the intimacy before he had to watch them kissing.

"Hey!" he said, leaping out from his hiding place.

Emma jumped with a yelp. Leo laughed.

"Now I have three more of you jumping out at me," she said, slapping Leo's plastron playfully.

Mikey was annoyed. He deserved that little slap. All Leo had done was stand there, making eyes at her, like she was the most fascinating creature on the planet. "Don't forget Master Splinter," Mikey said, making sure that his father wasn't slighted. "He can be pretty sneaky. April tries, but it's really pathetic. She's flatfooted."

Mikey stopped talking for a second because he thought he'd seen her eyes cloud over with annoyance at the mention of April's name. But it was gone and she hung onto Leo's arm and said, "I've asked him to teach me to move about silently, but he refuses."

"You'll just sneak up on me," he said, leaning in to whisper into her hair. "I don't want to let go of my advantage."

"You like being in charge, Hamato," she said, stepping up to him.

Mikey knew that they were a second away from kissing, so he said, "Come on, Emma! Raphie's waiting. You should sit by him!" and dragged her into the kitchen.

He knew Raph had heard that because he got up and moved to the other side of the table between Splinter and April.

Leo made a big deal about pulling out Emma's chair for her and then sat down next to her. Mikey was forced to sit on her right side, although he had a feeling like he wanted to hide across the table with Raph. Why? He loved girls.

April leaned over and squinted at Emma's fingernails.

"Forget to wear your contacts?" Don asked, going red at his audacity to speak in front of a strange female.

"No, I deliberately didn't wear them. Interesting manicure, Emma."

Mikey looked down at her hands. Her nails were long and painted black, but the ends were white. Like she was trying to recreate the natural ends of a human's fingernails.

"It's a French manicure with a twist," Leo said, smirking.

Raph scoffed. Mikey knew what he was thinking. Every stupid thing she does must be tremendously interesting to him. He wondered if Emma spent most of her evenings listening to Leo talk about all the ways they could improve their training and katas. What had he told her about them anyway? "So what has Leo told you about us?"

"Michelangelo," Master Splinter muttered between clenched teeth as he graciously received the bowl of green bean casserole.

"Oh, he's told me all kinds of things about you, Mikey."

"Like what? I don't know anything about you." He swung his legs under his chair, feeling a little more comfortable now that his carefully prepared meal was in front of him. Then he noticed that Leo and Emma were holding hands under the table and he put down his spoon.

Master Splinter noticed this also and said, "Leonardo, would you pass the biscuits?"

Leo went very red as he handed the plate to his father and firmly held his hands in his lap for the rest of the meal.

Emma said, "I know that you're an excellent cook and you like comic books and you rarely brush your teeth."

"What about you, Emma?" he said with a mouth full of food.

Leo's face lit up at the opportunity to brag about her and he said, "She works at…"

"Is your name Emma?" she asked.

Mikey was taken aback. He wasn't sure if she was joking. Apparently, everybody else regarded it as a joke because they smiled and laughed. All except Raph who was grinding his napkin in his hand, staring at her with narrowed eyes.

"Sorry," Leo said, giggling at himself. Mikey almost pointed at him and laughed. "Go ahead."

She smiled at them all and said, "I work at a bird refuge. We take care of birds that have been abused by their owners. Exotic breeds that don't have any business being in captivity and older animals that used to live in zoos. We also deal in amphibians and reptiles. We have a large snake collection."

"It's like a retirement home for parrots?" April asked.

She didn't answer and Raph banged his cup on the table loudly, causing Emma to jump. Raph said loudly, "So, what caused you to hook up with a green mutant freak? Have a crash in self-esteem?" He glared down at his plate as soon as he'd finished the sentence.

April groaned and put her head in her hand. Master Splinter gave him a reprimand by way of a foot stomping under the table, but neither showed any effect on his face.

Emma glared at him and Leo said, "Raph, we'll talk about it later." Mikey knew that was Leo's way of telling Raph to shut up before he drop kicked him out the window.

"No, it's okay," Emma said, putting her hand on his elbow. Mikey admired the grace in her hand movements. It looked like she was playing the piano, no matter how she moved or what she did. "You have every right to be wary of me. I'm an outsider. But I'll be totally honest with you. What do you want to know about me?"

Raph stared at her coldly for a while. The silverware clinked as everybody tried to eat to block out the awkwardness. Mikey noticed that Don was sinking into his seat and looking at April with questioning eyes. She shook her head no slightly. Ah, he wanted her to get up so he could leave the table before the shouting commenced.

"You had many boyfriends? Been married?"

"Yes."

Master Splinter's whiskers flicked.

"I've been married twice. But I've moved on."

"Do you realize how young he is?" Raph said, jumping suddenly to his feet, hands on his waist, unconsciously gripping at weapons that he wasn't wearing. "How old are you? You've been married twice?"

Normally, Mikey would have made a joke about robbing the cradle, but that was a good question. How old was she?

"I'm old enough not to tell you," she said, smiling back at him.

April was scooting out of her seat and motioning to Don to follow her. "What? I thought I wasn't allowed me move," he muttered.

Leo was on his feet now. Great. "It's none of your business what her age is or what my age is!"

"IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS HOW OLD YOU ARE! DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF? I'VE BATHED WITH YOU SINCE WE WERE… MUTATED!"

Now Master Splinter threw down his napkin. He put a firm hand on Raph's shoulder and forced him heavily into his seat. "Sit down, Leonardo! Emma, I would like to say that it is a fact that causes me concern. My son may be mature for his age, but he is only sixteen. I do not grudge friendship for my sons or other kinds of companionship if that time comes. But I have severe misgivings about anything of the kind at this time for them. Let's not talk about this now. I was very interested in your work at the bird facility. Please continue."

Raph jumped out of his seat and slammed his chair into the table. Mikey followed him, snatching a biscuit off April's unguarded plate. He patted Emma on the top of the head as he passed and said, "He just needs more fiber in his diet."

Mikey followed Raph into April's bedroom, where he'd holed himself up. He was surprised that he didn't heard bellowing or smashing of objects. He opened the door and found Raph standing with his fist through the wall and April stomping her foot next to him, with a silent rage aimed at him. "You are so immature!" she whispered at him. "What is wrong with you! Leo brings home a reasonably nice girl and all you can do is ask her age in front of us all?"

He pulled his hand out of the wall and took away several bits of plaster with it. Mikey patted Raph on the shoulders and said, "It's normal to be weirded out, dude. But it ain't normal to go putting your fist through the drywall. Cool it."

Raph sat on the bed and pointed dramatically out towards the kitchen, "I don't like that woman. There's something up with her."

"Well," April said, looking inside the new hole in her wall. "She may not be what we would pick out for him, but that doesn't mean…"

"Why does he get to pick out anything?" Mikey said before he could stop himself. "You just heard Sensei. We're forbidden from 'romantic relationships' right?" He said, putting air-quotes around "romantic relationships." "So why are we acting like he's at his engagement party? Aren't we just encouraging this?"

"She'll probably dump him when she finds out that he's looking at a lifetime of celibacy," Raph grumbled, crossing his arms.

April sat next to him on the bed and said, "Would you two stop that? You're not forbidden from sex. You're forbidden from romantic relationships with humans because of the weird physical… implications. If you found somebody you could be with then Splinter would be happy for you."

Mikey couldn't help but screw up his face. "I don't like talking about this. The whole situation is going down a weird road. They're supposed to be just friends. So what's with all the hand holding and cuddly-bear stuff? I hope Sensei tells him off for it. If I don't get any, then neither should he." That didn't make much sense, even to Mikey, but he felt like he needed to offer some kind of justification for his stance, no matter how shallow. It felt dangerous to him to let Leo carry on, thinking he was going to play house with this woman.

April forced them both out of the bedroom and put on her best hostess face, not at all betraying the fact that Raph had ninja-ed his way through her wall.

Mikey had an unconscious need to know where Donny was and what he was doing and wandered away towards his high-pitched nervous laughter. For some reason, Mikey found it soothing. Probably because he'd heard it every day of his life. Master Splinter was telling Emma the story about the time he was chased down a sewer tunnel by an angry kitten. He finished his amusing anecdote with, "It is true that size does not matter, only determination. That brave warrior gave me three small scars that I carry to this day."

Leo was laughing harder at that story than Mikey ever remembered. He distinctly remembered Leo rolling his eyes the last time the story was told. He was standing a few inches too close to Emma and watching her sideways out of his peripheral vision. Mikey was disappointed with Leo. He knew he was a master of charm and wit, so he didn't understand why he was acting like a twelve year old girl.

"I'll be right back," Emma said exclusively to Leo and left for the bathroom. Leo watched her walk away for a second before turning back to the conversation.

She was graceful. She at least had that going for her, Mikey thought as he watched her head towards the bathroom. Not a very glamorous act, but he thought her walk wouldn't have been out of place on the Miss America Pageant. Then she passed by Raph, giving him a quick glance up and down as she passed. Mikey scratched his head and said to Leo, "I think your not-girlfriend just checked Raph out."

Leo punched him in the arm and laughed.

"She has a tattoo?" he asked Leo with surprise as he noticed a black pair of wings emblazoned across her shoulder blades, showing through the gauzy back of her dress.

And then the strangest thing happened and Mikey had seen many strange things in his short life. Raph's eyes fell on the tattoo as she passed and he winced as if he'd just been slapped. He grabbed her by arm, pulled her a step towards him and then punched her hard in the face. She crumpled to the floor.

Mikey flew to her side, checking her pulse. He could tell that Leo was screaming at Raph, but didn't think it was important enough to process. A few dishes broke as Raph pushed past the table and climbed out hastily onto the fire escape. "You knocked her out cold, you psycho! What were you thinking?"

But Raph was already out of sight. It had taken Don a little longer to process what had happened because he had been in the bedroom analyzing the wall damage. He pushed Mikey away and checked her face for broken bones. "Funny," Don said airily as he held her head in his hands. "Her nose should be broken or at least bleeding." Her eyes were fluttering prettily as she came around.

"Yeah, that's fascinating!" Leo said as he pulled her up to her feet. She blinked and looked around blearily for her attacker.

"What happened?" she muttered. She clung to Leo's arm, leaning into him. "Take me home."

"Okay." He motioned to April to fetch her things.

Mikey didn't have much time due to Leo's unreasonable panic to get Emma out the door before Hurricane Raph came back. Leo put on his civilian disguise and practically ran her out of the apartment, letting the door slam behind him.

"What the hell was that about?" April asked.

Master Splinter was looking towards the window, frowning. Raphael would be doing flips until he died.

"Maybe he had a good reason," Mikey said. "Whatever that is. If he's crazy, that's a good reason, I guess."

"I thought she was nice," Don said, sounding rather clueless.

April crossed her arms at him, offended by his insensitivity. Mikey knew he was just trying to block out his concern and dwell on the positive and said, "Yeah, she seemed alright. Old. But alright. Has a weird fashion sense."

But Mikey couldn't help feeling that he should have been more concerned for Emma when Raph punched her out. He knew they were battle hardened, but knocking out his brothers' helpless potential girlfriends was not in his daily agenda. Emma had been polite and graceful and disgustingly affectionate with Leo, but all of those happy moments were clouded by the few strange images that crossed his mind. The way she eyeballed Raph, the way she snapped at Leo and the way she seemed to be put off by April. These were slights that he couldn't overlook.


	2. Chapter 2

_Trying to be uber-romantic. Ugh. It's hard. I'm much better at being snarky and perverse. Somebody yell at me if the rating should be upped because I'm going to try to stay within the PG-13 category. But I might not succeed.__  
_  
Emma lived in a one bedroom apartment. No, not a one bedroom. A one room apartment. There was a small bathroom attached, but Leo thought this barely counted as a room. She had no couch and so he spent most of the time reclining on her bed, held up in her pillows, watching her move about the room, like a lovely ghost.

The curtains were open on the night covered river as the ferries and boats drifted past. He could almost imagine that they were in the same spot two hundred years ago. She was lit by an oil lamp near the window and she glowed in the soft yellow light. A thin breeze fluttered her hair as she put a CD in her player.

"Close your eyes and listen," she said.

He eagerly obeyed, closing his eyes and listening to the quiet music that always made his breathing quicken for some reason. But most of all, listening to her silent footsteps as she came closer.

Her soft weight settled next to him and couldn't resist opening his eyes again to see her, reclining next to him.

"Your brother hates me," she said, putting a hand on his stomach.

Normally, he would have tried to cast Raph in the best light possible, but punching someone in the face for no good reason was pretty indefensible. His cheeks glowed as she gently rubbed his plastron.

"I'll talk to him about it." He would try to talk to him about it, but he was sure he would end up beating him over it. Or vice versa.

He knew she wanted to kiss him when she looked him over with her black eyes. They were almost too black. Like they weren't real. That's what he liked best about them.

It had been a month since he'd found her sitting in the alley a few blocks away from the docks, holding her ankle. She'd slipped on her home from a walk along the river and twisted her ankle. He'd watched her from the shadows for a few seconds, calculating the best possible outcome for both of them. He was about to turn and leave when he heard her voice calling after him. Her voice was so soft that it made his nerves freeze and he had to help her, just to see her closer.

"Why didn't you run when you first saw me?" He laughed at himself. He was such an idiot. But enjoyed feeling like an idiot around her.

She brushed his cheek with her hand and said, "It would have been hard when I couldn't even stand. But I wouldn't have run, even if I could."

"Why?" Her mind was a like an endless garden of amazing secrets to him and he could listen to her talk forever. He felt small and wide eyed, like a new student, drinking in its lessons. "You didn't notice that I was green and carrying katanas?"

"Should I have?"

She sat up, looking down at him and said, "I wasn't afraid of you. I've seen more in my life than you might think. It takes more than you to frighten me. You seemed cautious. Like you were afraid of me. Imagine that. You afraid of me."

"What do you think now?" he asked."And don't say that I'm perfect."

She furrowed her forehead curiously. "Perfect? You're beautiful and graceful and strong. Oh, you're far from perfect. Why would I want someone perfect? What a hollow compliment. The scars and the dirt and the suppressed power. That's what it is important in you."

His face burned at the compliment. If it was a compliment.

Emma bent down to kiss him again and just as she was close enough to touch his lips, his phone went off. He automatically reached for it, pulled it off his belt and answered without looking at the screen, his mouth still inches away from Emma's, breathing in her breath.

"Hey, guess what we found?" Mikey said. "A little girl's bike."

She climbed into his lap, her weight pressing into his pelvis. He gasped loudly into the phone.

"Hey, what was that?" Mikey said. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. What are you doing?" His words were one long syllable. Emma's mouth was creeping down his throat.

"Will you ride the bike when you get home?" Mikey asked. There was a loud crash as he tossed some garbage aside. "I bet Don that you would."

Leo closed his eyes and nearly dropped the phone as her lips worked against his neck. "Yeah, okay. Great. Let's do that. Good idea."

Pause. "Are you okay? You sound like somebody recorded your voice and sped it up. Hey, we're going over to the hospital soon. I hope we find another wheel chair. I want to have a wheel chair race. That'll be so cool…" Mikey paused at Leo groaned indistinctly. "Are you sure you're alright? You can call back if you're being attacked, you know. I told you that you don't need to be that polite to me. But Master Splinter wants you to come home early remember. You have those new katas tomorrow morning."

"What?" His attention was immediately drawn from Emma's fingers, which were roaming over his body, to the new and difficult lessons to be faced tomorrow. Lessons. Ninjitsu. Family pride. Honor. Forbidden. Emma. "I'll see you tomorrow. I mean, tonight. I'll be there soon."

"I'm in a dumpster so…"

Emma sat up straight, leaning away from him. He knew she wasn't happy.

"Good. Keep that up."

"Huh? Stay in the… you're delirious, aren't you? Don, save those 'Good Housekeeping's for me."

Emma climbed off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. He followed her with his eyes and hung up on Mikey as he started babbling about a rat in the alley he was sitting in and how it had a striking family resemblance to their father.

He knocked lightly on the bathroom door. There was no response. "You know that I can't. I'm not even sure if it's possible." Why did he say that? Maybe she didn't want to. That was wrong of him to be so presumptuous. "I'm needed at home. I have a duty to my family."

There was no answer.

"I'll call tomorrow." Should he tell her he that he loves her? His chest tightened and he wondered if he was about to have a heart attack. Leo took that as a sign that it was a bad idea. He gathered his katanas from near the bed and left.

*****

"Sometimes I think Leo's like a sports car," Mikey said as he folded up his cell phone, sat down in the dumpster and watched Don dig through garbage bags.

Don tossed away a sack full of dirty diapers. "How's that?"

"He's like a sleek blue Ferrari. And no matter how fast we go, we'll never catch up because we're just Hyundais."

"Some Hyundais are fast."

Mikey shifted so that he wasn't sitting in the wet bag that he'd chosen as a cushion. "Well, we're slow ones from the 80's. And Raph is like a big red Mac truck and he never goes very fast because he can't take corners because of his wide turning radius. He has the power, just not the drive."

Don pulled out several "Popular Mechanics" issues and tossed them out of the dumpster and into the keep pile. He said, "I want to be a Delorean. One with white wall tires and a Mr. Fusion like in 'Back to the Future,' then."

"Sure, you can be a Delorean. And Leo's always going ahead of us and we'll never catch up, even though we all keep traveling behind him. Of course Leo's the first to like a girl. He's first to do everything. I'm last."

Don sat down to flip through a soiled "National Geographic." "I don't want a girlfriend. It sounds terrifying. I have enough to do anyway. Does it bother you?"

"No, I don't want one. It's like he's trading us all in for a newer model. Why does he get all happy to see her? He's only known her for a month. He should love us better."

"I'm sure he does. Didn't we just have this conversation in reverse earlier? Do we need double sided tape? Can't hurt to keep it, I guess." It plunked on the pavement.

"And did you see how she bossed Leo around? Nobody's supposed to boss him around. He's the bossy one. I'm mad. I'm mad on his behalf. I take umbrage vicariously for him."

Don jumped out of the dumpster and Mikey followed, watching him idly and not helping in the slightest. Don said, "We'll just keep traveling behind him at the speed we're supposed to go. There're speed limits for a reason. I think he tries to be too grown up, you know. And Splinter's right. He isn't ready for anything like that. It's easy to forget sometimes that three years ago you were still wetting the bed, Raph was still too short to reach the top shelves, I hadn't talked to anybody outside of our family and we all still played with toys. Leo still has his action figures."

They picked up their haul and went home, making ridiculous bets on whether or not they could get Leo to ride the pink girl's bike.


	3. Chapter 3

_I need to write for Master Splinter more often. I tend to make him a little snarky though and while it gives me great joy, I'm not too sure if it isn't a little OOC. I just like to see him joking around with his sons._

Master Splinter sat in the entrance of the lair, staring out into the blackness, glowering.

A few hours earlier, his youngest sons had come home laughing and carrying their loot from a garbage run. Michelangelo had asked him to ride a small pink bicycle. On any other day he would have laughed at his sweetness, but tonight he only asked them to move the couch into the doorway.

"Are we being attacked?" Donatello had asked, yawning. "Barricading the entrance? I'm too tired for that."

"No. I want my face to be the first that your brothers see when they come through this door. You two may go to bed."

They fled to their bedrooms, whispering prophetically about the doom about to fall upon the heads of their brothers.

Several hours passed. He knew that one of his sons was lurking in the darkness, waiting for him to surrender to boredom and go to bed. He knew exactly which son it was too. He knew that this son had a very limited amount of patience and would give up his game soon. He also knew that this son knew that he'd been spotted and wouldn't attempt to flee to the surface for fear of future recrimination.

Finally, after an hour and a half lurking in the shadows of the tunnels, his wild son approached, head hung low. "What are you doing, Sensei?" he asked in a mumble.

"I was tired of watching television. All those celebrities who cannot dance. I thought it would be more entertaining to watch you hiding in the tunnels from me."

Raphael's shoulders hunched as the self-consciousness set in.

"Sit next to me." He patted the couch cushion and Raphael sat down stiffly.

Splinter opened his mouth to begin with his lecture, but was interrupted as Raphael gushed, "I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that! I can't believe it. I just had this… weird feeling." He shivered all over.

"Weird feeling? What is this weird feeling that justified attacking a defenseless human woman. I am all for you attacking Karai. But not a woman who cannot defend herself."

His body language opened up as his fear of punishment diminished. "That tattoo looked familiar. I think I seen it before. Can't remember though."

He'd had a bad feeling about something that he couldn't remember? "I would give a lengthy speech about the virtues of thinking before you act, but I assume you can reassemble an adequate lecture yourself using all the numerous examples I have given you in the past."

They were quiet for a second and Splinter took the opportunity to listen for his other wayward son.

"You're worried about Leo, huh?" Raphael asked, leaning back on the couch. "What did you think about this broad?"

"I thought this 'broad' was very polite in a completely ingenuous way."

Raphael sat up suddenly, his body language speaking of suppressed aggression and dislike. "That's just what I thought! I mean, sure, I was real rude to her, but she was being rude to him. And where is he? How long does it take to dump her at home? Bet he got jumped on the way back."

Splinter sighed. He had always considered Raphael to be the savviest about the dark side of human behavior, but there were still a few areas of life where he seemed completely naïve, much to his father's relief. "I'm not sure that he will make it home tonight." He added in a threatening grumble, "And if he does not, I will give him so many flips that he will need to wear two arm slings."

Raphael inhaled through his teeth. "You never do that when I stay out all night."

"You must be managed differently. Also, you are not a leader of a clan of ninjas." He also wasn't in danger falling in love. At least for the time being.

"Heavy is the crown," Raphael muttered as he leaned back again and crossed his legs meditation style on the couch cushion. "I won't hit any helpless women again, Sensei. Just wanted to say that."

Raphael rarely admitted wrongdoing this openly. "Thank you for telling me so. A man who can admit his failings and rectify them is worthy of great respect."

He didn't speak for a moment and Master Splinter realized that he had shocked him into silence. Did he praise him so little that it came as a surprise? "Thank you, Father."

They were quiet for a few minutes. No sign of Leonardo. He was beginning to worry and fume at the same time, which was never a good sign.

"Do you ever have dreams when you're awake?"

Dreams when he was awake? "That makes no sense."

He shifted next to him, putting his feet on the ground and leaning forward. "No, not when you're awake. I mean, when you're asleep, but your eyes are open."

"I do not believe so. That sounds strange." Where was he?

"It is strange and fu… super creepy." His father decided to ignore his near vulgarity, since he had averted it. "I have 'em all the time. It's like hallucinating. But you're dreaming and you're looking around at the room and you're seeing things that aren't there. And you can't move. That's the big thing. It's always, 'I gotta move or the room will burn up' or 'I gotta get out of here or the foot will kill me.'"

His father listened to his babbling. He was too tired to listen to it, but he always went out of his way to encourage openness in Raphael. "That sounds truly frightening," he said, ticking his whiskers to suppress a yawn.

"Yeah, it's pretty freaky. Lots of times it feels like something's pressing on my chest and I'm worried that I can't breathe. Once I thought Mikey's teddy bear was a little animal that was going to bite me. Sometimes I see this woman…" He blushed and looked away. "Well, I see all kinds of stuff. It only happens once a month or so. Not every night or anything. I'm not crazy."

"Mm, hmmm," Splinter muttered, mentally preparing the crushing look he would give Leonardo as soon as he was in his sight.

"I'm going to bed," Raphael said and he turned to leap over the back of the couch and hesitated. "Unless you were going to punish me first."

"No, I will not punish you. I know that you are sincere in your apology. I would like you to apologize to both Leonardo and this Emma woman and also to April for destroying her property. Again."

Raphael's harshness came back into his features for a second and then it dissolved. "Yeah, I will. It's only fair. I must degrade myself for family honor." He said it in a playful tone as he bent down and hugged Master Splinter good night. As he headed to his bedroom he called, "I don't want to hear about you getting into trouble out there!"

Master Splinter called back, "I will try to keep my nose clean."

Raphael laughed as he went to bed.

Within fifteen minutes Splinter could hear the soft and deliberate footsteps of his oldest child headed towards him. The momentary gratitude that he was still alive and in one piece was instantly replaced with rage. He had forced him to stay awake several hours past his self appointed bedtime, sitting in the doorway, waiting for him.

As soon as Leonardo could see him, he froze in mid-step, horror spreading through his body. "Good evening, Sensei. I hope that you didn't wait up too long."

"Good morning, disrespectful and insolent pupil."

He knew that he could make Leonardo cry if he was harsh enough and he was almost tired enough to do it, just to make himself feel avenged for his lack of sleep and worry. But the feeling went away when he realized that his son looked distressed enough as it was. "What is the matter, Leonardo?"

Leonardo reluctantly sat next to him. It wasn't the same sheepish reluctance that his brother offered. It was a shame that came with leadership. "Father, I think I'm behaving badly."

"Do you? In what way, besides depriving an old rat of his sleep?"

His son giggled nervously and he knew he was about to confess something uncomfortable. "I know that you have forbidden us from being… involved with humans. But I'm very… Emma is…"

"You are too young," he said flatly. The fact that he couldn't directly admit that he had romantic interest in this woman confirmed his belief. "It is not necessarily the fact that she is human, although I have equal reservations about that, but for completely different reasons."

"But she doesn't mind what I am!" Leonardo said, with a force that he wasn't accustomed to. "When I'm with her I feel so… different… I must admit that I find it difficult to think around her and I do find myself shocked at my behavior. Please, don't worry about me though. I wouldn't do anything to disgrace you or our family."

Master Splinter flared out his whiskers in alarm. The idea had obviously spent much time in his mind if he could bring it up so easily.

"She seems to understand me and I understand her. She knows that I'm in a unique position for a… person…" He hung his head a little. "Or turtle… my age. The pressure, you know. And she's so wise and gentle." He realized that he had said a little too much and looked away for a second.

Master Splinter got to his feet and said, "Well, allow me to make this much easier for you. As I have said before, I am not opposed to human companionship if they are trustworthy. This woman does not seem so to me."

"Master Splinter!" he cried.

"April has been a rare exception to what I fear is the rule and I do not want you to suffer for it."

"You're punishing her for your distrust of humans."

They were both quiet because they knew that he had gone too far. Master Splinter said, "You will go to bed now and we will talk about this tomorrow. I expect more respect from you in the future and more thought for your family. What if this woman is… Never mind. We will talk about it tomorrow. What happened to your neck?" Splinter craned a little to see the dark bruise near his collarbone.

Leonardo poked at his neck and said, "I don't know. Must be from this morning. Don hit me pretty hard. Good night, Sensei."

He leapt lightly over the couch and went to his room. Master Splinter shook his head. So his hellion was acting responsibly and his responsible child was rebelling. It was much better when they were all three years old and the biggest problem was potty training.


	4. Chapter 4

_It does seem to me like everything on every channel is about this particular subject. Used to drive me bats when I had a TV. I can't imagine what it would do to sexually repressed teenage boys._

It was 6pm and Raphael had yet to apologize to any of his three marks. And one of those marks lived in the same house.

Leo had spent the day exercising, training and meditating as if it were going out of style. The couch was covered with exhausted male turtle and Raph said, "I order you to shower. I can't watch the people getting chopped up on CSI smelling that smell."

"I can't move," Leo muttered into a couch cushion. "Hey, Mikey. Here's the remote." He pulled it out from between two of the couch cushions, which were an inch or two away from his face.

Mikey grabbed the remote from Leo's limp hand and Raph yelled, "Change that and your nose'll bleed!"

"Why?" Mikey sat at the computer and brought up his Facebook page. "I hate CSI. It's just dead bodies. Don't you see enough of that stuff in your daily life? And they always have people killing each other during sex. How gross is that? Remember the girl who poisoned the condom lubricant? I mean, why? Couldn't she just stab him like any other self-respecting murderer?"

Leo shifted as if he was lying on something sharp, although Raph could see nothing underneath him. "Yeah, that was funny. What's wrong, Fearless? Can't hear the word condom?"

"Just sore."

Mikey closed his Facebook page. "You guys should talk to me more on my profile. It's so depressing. I only have about ten friends. Being a ninja sucks."

Raph pointed at the TV. "Hey, look, Mikey. It's the episode where they go to the dominatrix place and they have the guy getting whipped by the school teacher. Look, Mike! Look! Look!"

"Ew. That stuff scares me." He shivered, but sat next to Raph and watched anyway. "How'd the girl die again?"

"She was wearing this hood and had straws up her nose and the guy put his fingers on the straws too long and she suffocates. I don't want to meet one of these sickos who thinks this shit up." Raph suppressed a disgusted face as a graphic scene played. "Okay, that's a little disturbing."

Mikey pulled his legs up to his plastron, wrinkling up his nose. "Well, some people must actually do that stuff to you know… have a show about it. They're the ones I don't want to meet."

"Turn… it… off…" Leo said in a tone that demanded action.

The channel clicked. "Hey, ever seen the video for 'The Next Episode', Leo?" Raph asked casually, drinking a Coke and then picking up a piece of fabric from the coffee table and a needle and thread. "They're spraying this topless stripper with Champagne. Wouldn't that be sticky? Hope they tipped her extra for it."

Mikey grabbed the Coke out of Raph's hand and took a drink. "What's up with the fluffy bra? They can't touch the girls, right? So what's the point? Look at Snoop's ringlets! Haha!"

"Fluffy bra?" Leo asked, turning over on the couch to see the stimulating visual.

"Seems like it would be sweaty," Raph said as he chewed off a piece of thread with his teeth, not really paying attention. "Thought you wanted if off." He changed the channel and tossed the remote on the floor.

Leo flipped over on the couch and closed his eyes with more energy than a man about to take a nap should possess.

"What do you think her stripper name is?" Mikey asked. "Fluffy McTitties? Good thing Sensei didn't hear me say that or he would slap my face off."

"Which channel is C-SPAN?" Raph asked as he grabbed the remote off the floor and randomly punched buttons. "Oh, look at this. If you liked the fluffy bra, Leo, you'll love this."

The sounds of panting and groaning issued from the speakers and Raph hurriedly turned down the volume.

"Do we get porn?" Leo asked, half turning his head toward the television and then forcing himself to lie still.

"It's a movie," Mikey said. "Whoa, that don't look right."

He tried to grab the remote from Raph, who held it above his head. "No, wait. I'm sure it's integral to the plot. I'm sure her boobs are real important to the story. Bet that's a body double. There's no way she has boobs like that."

Leo growled slightly from the couch and Raph knew that it was a warning that he was about jump into action.

"You're disgusting, Raph," Mikey said, finally getting the remote away. "But probably right. Think it looks like that when you're really doing it?"

"Nah," Raph said. "Only about 1% of the population looks that good naked. We're part of that 1%." Mikey and Raph high threed each other, laughing.

Raph noticed that Leo was slowly turning towards the television and then turning away again, as if he were drawn against his will. What was wrong with Leo? If he wanted to look, then just look. There was no sound for a few minutes except for the heavy breathing on the television and Raph and Mikey's squirming in their seats, both uncomfortable with the visuals and sounds, but both unwilling to be the first to leave the room. Leo was watching by this time, eyes slightly unfocused.

"Wow, he's really whipping her around," Raph said, holding up the remote. He'd had enough. "If I was ever that way with a girl, I hope she would slap me."

"Huh?" Leo asked, his mouth slightly open.

Mikey said, "Hey, I know this! This isn't porn at all! It's that movie where the two meet and one is a spy and then they find out that he's in the mob and she's supposed to bring him down and then they have sex all over the place and then he gets shot! It got an Oscar for best editing or something."

"Yeah, the plot is really intriguing," Leo said, flipping over again.

Raph turned the television off and threw the remote at Leo. Mikey giggled uncomfortably. "Don't tell me you were enjoying that?" Raph said, pulling off the thread from his sewing project.

Leo sat up suddenly and said, "If it comes to roughing up women, I'd think you'd be the one who would like that."

A distant voice called from the lab, "Are you guys having a fight? Mikey, put up the Xbox first so they don't smash it!"

"I'm sorry." Raph said it so quickly that it didn't sound like words. He'd entirely forgotten his promise to apologize and when he promised to do something degrading and humiliating, he damn well kept his promise.

Leo jumped to his feet, radiating sanctimony. Raph had half a mind to knock him out before he could start on a lecture. He'd gotten out his apology. That was all that was required of him. It didn't matter if Leo accepted. "You're what? Sorry? You punched Emma in the face for no reason. I'm sure that will make her face feel a lot better."

"What the fuck? I just apologized. I Let me repeat myself. I grovel and beg forgiveness, oh, Righteous One!"

"Your seams are all crooked," Mikey said. Raph knew that he was desperately looking for a diversion.

Raph held it to his plastron defensively. "It's not like anybody will see the seam of my pillowcase but me. So, Fearless. I apologize for hitting your friend. Get over it."

Leo crossed his arms and didn't respond for a while. "I don't think it's an adequately genuine gesture, but I accept anyway."

"Great," Raph said with little to no enthusiasm. "Wanna spar?"

"Yes, please."

* * *

Raph stank from the sparring match with Leo. Where did Leo getting his energy lately? Raph was all for strenuous physical activity until the point of exhaustion and collapse, but even he had his limits. When he left the lair, Leo was sitting in the dojo against the wall, panting and covered in sweat. Raph offered to spray him with a garden hose before leaving.

It was a warm summer night and April had asked him to join her on the roof, sitting in the pair of reclining lawn chairs that April stashed up there. Raph took a sip out of his wine glass and said, "Seven Up in a goblet. That's high living."

April got out of her chair and stood next to him, looking down, pouting out her bottom lip.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Let me sit with you. It's cold." She rubbed her arms and jumped and down.

He spread out his legs to barricade her. "I'm not cold."

She chattered her teeth dramatically. "Well, I'm too used to wearing clothes. Plus, I'm a vulnerable girl."

He muttered, "You? Vulnerable? What if Casey comes along? I don't want him to think I'm making a move on his woman."

She laughed and squeezed in the chair, pushing him aside. There was barely enough room for both of them and he had to tilt himself at an angle and put an arm around her.

"Now, don't tickle me or pinch me or anything." She wrinkled up her nose. "You're armpit stinks."

"I don't wear deodorant and I work out all day. If the chair breaks, it was your weight and not mine." He smelled under his own arm and then looked up at the sky for a while. "Wish we could see some stars."

She pointed into the sky. "Is that one?"

"That's a plane, April," he said, trying not to laugh at her.

Then Raph listened to April talk about her romantic life with Casey for over twenty minutes. "…then we came home…"

"Whose home?"

"Mine. Anyway, he said he wanted to kiss me and I didn't say anything. This was our first date…"

"Yeah, I remember."

"I was thinking of something to say that was really witty and he kissed me while he was waiting for me to answer. This other time we were at Jake's Pub and the guy who always sings 'Another One Bites the Dust' on karaoke night asked if I wanted to go home and warm his bed for him and Casey said he would knock the guy's teeth out and when we were walking in the park a while ago…"

"Think Leo's kissed that stupid Emma?"

April shifted against him and didn't answer. "I think it is more than possible. More like a certainty. Hope they haven't done… anything else…"

"Anything else?" Raph almost sat up and knocked her out of the chair. "Anything else" hadn't even entered his mental landscape in relation to Leo and now he found it hard to swallow for some reason.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "You're totally jealous!"

"Jealous? Like I'd want to make out with that bitch?"

She punched him in the side and he made a face, faking pain. "You're jealous that somebody else wants to share your big brother. It's so adorable!"

"I am not adorable," he grumbled, in a deep and threatening tone of voice. It was the same tone that he saved for foot ninjas on the wrong end of his sais. His gruff tone made April coo even more and she leaned over and kissed his cheek. His face burned and he wiped off his face where her lips had met his skin and said, "Okay, none of that."

"Feel free to come over and smash my stuff whenever you like. So I accept your apology," she said. "I think you should kiss me back."

His eyes widened and his face felt like he'd just removed a heating pad. "You do? Why?"

"Why should Leo get all the action? Come on. Plant one on me."

Kissing April had all the appeal of kissing one of his brothers and he resisted the urge to make a face. She was smiling widely and nearly laughing and he realized that she found his bashfulness very amusing. So he leaned over and kissed her very lightly on the nose. "That's all you're getting."

"That was very sweet. Now, get going. You still have to apologize to Emma."

"Shit." He pounded one of his fists on the metal chair rail.

April struggled out of the chair and gathered up the two wine glasses. "Just say you're sorry and be truthful. I don't know what girl could resist you when you blush and stammer."

"Hey, shut up. I'll jump you."

She headed back down to her apartment, ignoring his threat.

* * *

The look on Leo's face was worth a million dollars at least. When Raph asked Leo for Emma's address, Leo had winced, a look of distinct… something… had passed through his eyes. Then he swallowed hard and asked, "Why?"

"I'm going to propose. I'm supposed to apologize, dumbass."

"Oh, right." Leo wrote down the address and added, as he reluctantly handed it over, "I'll call her and tell her you're coming."

Raph tucked the piece of paper into the crevice in his shell where he kept his money. "Emma's so fragile that she might die of a heart attack if there's a knock on the door?"

She lived down by the docks in a ratty apartment over an old store. It must be nice, living next to the river, Raph thought. At least she could pick a view, even if she couldn't pick a man. He hadn't realized that they rented out apartments on the waterfront. Seemed a little dodgy to him. He wondered why Leo hadn't thought of that. Most likely Leo was too busy thinking that everything she did was perfect and wonderful.

Raph knocked on her door, thinking it was bad form to barge in unannounced. If it was bad form with April, who was very accustomed to barging, then it definitely was bad form with a woman who was not accustomed.

The door opened a crack and he could see her shiny black eyes looking out at him. She looked delicate, like a china doll. She was wearing a thin nightgown and he looked down at his feet when he realized that he could see more through it than Leo would want him to see. "It's me. Raphael. Let me in." He should have asked, but he would have to go hide if she didn't let him in. He couldn't just stand around on her doorstep indefinitely.

She stood back a few paces and let him pass into her room. It was small. Cramped even. The biggest piece of furniture in the room was the bed. There was a small bookshelf covered in old books and a tiny kitchen. Also a bathroom with an old claw footed bathtub. "What do you want?" she asked, her eyes wide, like a deer in headlights.

"You knew I was coming. You couldn't wear something more substantial?" he said. He didn't know why he'd said that out loud.

She looked down at her body, which showed through the filmy material. "Does it bother you?"

"No." He looked at his feet again and tried to gather his thoughts. There was a dull buzzing in the back of his mind and it took him twice as long as usual to process his words. "I wanted to apologize for hitting you. It was bad. I don't think sometimes. I just do and then think about it later." Again, that was much more than he had intended to say.

And his face was flushed again and warm. Maybe he was getting sick. Just what he needed.

"Leonardo said you would be coming to apologize," she said, in a soft voice.

Normally he would have shouted uselessly about it, but he felt slightly dizzy for an unidentified reason. But it was a good dizzy. He was actually enjoying it. "Hey, what's going on!" he demanded. Raph knew that she was doing this to him somehow.

She raised her eyebrows innocently. "What do you mean? You don't have to yell."

"Sorry," he said, backing up a few steps and stumbling blindly into the bookshelf. "I'm feeling kind of off." He breathed hard and fought off a smile. It was similar to the sweaty pleasure of a fight; knowing that you won as the adrenalin flowed through. Fuck, if the flu felt this good, he wished he could have it every day.

But then Emma turned her back on him and went to her kitchen, which was about ten paces away. "Do you want some tea? Leonardo says that you prefer green." She smirked. "Makes sense."

There were the wings again. The black wings tattooed across her shoulders and the pleasant feeling drained away. He should kill this thing. Strangle the life out of it before it could touch him. "I… I… gotta go…" Raph blindly reached for the doorknob, keeping his eyes on her back.

She turned back to him and rushed to the door. She grabbed his hand as he was leaving and he pushed her roughly away from him. "Don't touch me! I hate being touched!"

"I thought we were going to make up," she said. "For Leo's sake."

He stood with his hand on the doorknob. For Leo's sake he had nearly bled to death several times and had held his brother dying in his arms more than once. He could spend an evening with a repulsively beautiful woman, making small talk for his sake. For Leo's sake. For Leo's sake, he repeated in his head.

Emma motioned for him to sit on the bed. He didn't want to sit on a strange woman's bed. Especially this woman's bed. "I don't have any furniture," she said. "There isn't any room."

Raph sat down carefully on the bed, wincing as the old springs creaked. She went to the kitchen and poured water from the tea pot. The room was almost dark. A kerosene lamp was burning near the window and a lavender candle flickered on the kitchen counter, casting the curve of her body through her dress. He focused on watching the ships going past, trying to block out the sound of her breathing. He was going to pound Leo when he got home for letting his woman walk around him barely dressed. It was totally disrespectful.

She held out a cup of tea and he took it. The cup clattered as his fingers shook slightly. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "I'm nothing to be afraid of. Especially to someone like you. You're quite a brute, aren't you?"

"Yeah," he said, shocked at his deep, breathy tone. Sounded less than wholesome. He blinked and shook the feeling away. "I mean no."

"You remind me of my first husband," she said, sitting next to him, the bed creaking again. "He was quite a demanding personality."

She smelled like sea salt and he wanted to lean over and put his mouth to her skin and see if she tasted the same way. Throw her back on the bed and tear off that nightgown and own her body. He could almost feel the cloth giving way in his hands.

Raph realized that he was leaning closer to her and his free hand was reaching for her. She looked him in the eyes without much surprise, a slight smile creeping. "I knew you were a beast."

He jumped to his feet, dropping the cup, the tea spilling everywhere. What was happening? This felt all wrong. He still had half a mind to stick his sai through her throat and his hand moved instinctively to his weapon. She needed to die. Rid the world of this thing.

Raph moved to the door, ignoring her polite entreaties to stay. He was shaking and so hot and sweaty that he felt sick. He hadn't gotten more than twenty feet away when the nausea disappeared and he berated himself for his thoughts. He must have looked like such a pervert, reaching out for her like that.

His shame and guilt evaporated with every footstep he took towards home. Oh, well. She could get over it. It wasn't like he'd actually tried anything. His thoughts were his and he could think whatever dirty things he wanted. That was the blessing of his brain. His thoughts could rattle around without getting unwanted public attention.

He easily shook the awkward thoughts out of his head like water. This was what came of watching too much sexy television. But what the hell? He didn't get any in real life. Why not watch other people getting some. It didn't violate his vows to his clan or family prohibitions.

It was a good thing that Leo was so repressed and into chastity and celibacy. Otherwise he could really be in trouble with this chick. "If anybody is about self-control and moderation, it's my Leo," Raph thought.

"My Leo." That's what he called him in his head sometimes. It was a bad habit from early childhood that he had never been able to shake. Sometimes he used "My Mikey" and rarely "My Donny." Usually when one of them was dying. He never said it out loud. At least he hoped. Now he found himself using "My April" which was especially annoying because he couldn't blame it on childhood habits.

Raph wondered if Purple Dragons hung around this part of the docks and decided to look for some trouble and then go home and persuade Mikey to bake something sweet. Maybe cookies. Maybe send some embarrassing emails to April, pretending that he was in love with her. Ask if she had any outstanding bills that needed paying. Sew a seam on Splinter's robe since he already had the sewing kit out anyway.

He liked days that worked out. He'd had three marks and hit each one of them.


	5. Chapter 5

_There's a little "Twilight" jab in here, but don't get offended "Twilight" fans. Actually, two jabs. I thought it was fitting for our boy here too. I'll call it an homage. Leo's scenes were very difficult for me. Don't be offended by boys wearing dresses. That is a totally valid lifestyle choice and I have no problems with those guys who wear H&M skirts. Or with cross dressing cats. I'm being purposefully vague towards the end. Trust me, for all you possibly shocked folks. This will make total sense soon._

"What better way to spend a Saturday night?" Don asked as he rolled a wheelchair down the wet sewer tunnel, his brothers following behind.

Raph nudged him playfully in the shell with an old shopping cart. "Being drunk. Finding some action…"

"Gross!" Mikey yelled from behind.

"I meant of the violent variety," Raph said, running past Don with his cart, jumping on the bottom rack and gliding ahead of him.

Mikey was carrying Klunk in one hand and his little pink bicycle in the other. "What do you think of his hat, Raph?"

Raph pushed the cart away from him and it crashed into the wall. "He looks like a cross dresser, like you."

"Hey! I'm not a cross dresser! It ain't my fault that I'm the only one who fits in a dress."

Don stopped pushing the wheel chair and looked around, thinking. "How are we going to push the cart? I mean, Leo and April are gone, so there's nobody to ride in it.

Mikey was too busy trying to force Klunk into the handlebar basket of the bike. His little red cowboy hat fell off and Mikey let out a squeal of surprise. "Fill it with those old cinder blocks around the corner," he said as he snapped the hat back around a resistant Klunk's neck.

"Wait!" Raph said, pulling Klunk out of the bike basket against Mikey's protestations and holding him under one arm. "Let's get the bowling ball! Then it can roll around while we push it." He held Klunk up to his face and said, "What is your daddy doing to you? He's turning you into a sissy."

Don put the brakes on the wheelchair and sat down in it. "His daddy? Now who's the sissy? You should have named him Simba instead. If I had a cat, I'd name it Simba. Well, I'd call it Ebony if it was black. I'd call it Powder if it was white."

"It's the circle of life…" Mikey hummed to himself as he retrieved his kitty from his captor.

* * *

One goodbye. He owed her that at least, Leo thought as he traveled through the hot alley near Emma's apartment. For the last month he had made the trip to see her, enjoying the tense anticipation that tightened his lungs. He couldn't resist the feeling now, as he rehearsed his speech in his head.

"I can't see you anymore and it was wrong of me to indulge when my father is so opposed." That sounded so cold though. "I'd like to be friends."

Did he? Did he want to be friends with her? He couldn't see himself watching stupid movies with her the way he did with April or making fun of her hair or scaring her for no reason. Or pushing her in a grocery cart in a race with his brothers because they were all too poor and abnormal to go out on Saturday nights.

Rain pelted down and he barely noticed. Thunder rattled some corrugated metal overhead. Or did it? No, that was a person. Not an animal either. He pushed himself deep into the shadows, listening. Then he stopped breathing as he heard a female voice, pleading. Male voices mocking.

He hurried towards the voice, attracted to its distress without thinking. They were Purple Dragons. He could tell by their footsteps alone.

* * *

"I bet you'd fit in the yellow dress," Raph said idly as he ate a bagel, sitting in the shopping cart.

Don looked down at himself. "Well, maybe."

"I bet you $100 that you would fit in that dress! And then if you do you can wear it the next time I have to look like a girl for some official ninja business. You have a prettier voice anyway," Mikey said, surveying his pretty voiced brother.

Being told he had a pretty voice at sixteen years old was depressing. He still remembered Casey asking if he was April the first few times he answered the phone and his pathetic answer. "No, I'm Donatello." Wearing a dress on top of that didn't add to his masculinity. But $100 was $100. "Yeah, I'll try it on. Go get it."

Mikey tossed Klunk into the shopping cart with Raph, who picked him up and tried to wrestle him into an unwilling hug. "Stay still so I can pet you, damn it."

The kitty struggled and then sighed in defeat as he was crushed with affection, his tail wagging in agitation.

Don got out of the wheelchair and pulled a beat up old CD player out of a crate. He flipped it on and the grating sound of "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" filled the tunnel. Klunk's ears flattened against his head and his eyes widened.

"You're scaring the cat, Don. Let's play something else. We all get that we're from New York. How about Sinatra? He has a song about New York."

Don sat back down in the wheel chair. "We only have that one CD out here. Oh, we have that mariachi CD. Let's play that!"

The sound of "The Mexican Hat Dance" replaced The Beastie Boys.

Raph sighed. "We are so lame."

* * *

Steam rose off the ground where the cool rain met the hot pavement and Leo's feet splashed nimbly through the puddles as he slashed at his attackers, ducking a hit from behind and cutting into an enemy from ahead.

Emma was on the ground nearby, now forgotten by the men who moments ago meant to do her harm.

He dropped one of his katanas, the leather grip slippery in the rain and berated himself for such an elementary mistake that he considered well below his skill. A Purple Dragon grabbed his free arm and as he was about to reach out and grab him by the throat the man said, "Dude! You have a hickey!"

"I do not!" He shoved him to the ground. "It's from sparring!"

Another one squinted through his wet eyelashes, still doing the battle dance to keep himself at a safe distance. "You do so! Who would give a hickey to a freak like you?"

He was distracted only for a second, but it was enough. A knife sliced through his forearm as he kicked the culprit into the wall, then let his foot swing up, making contact with the man's chin. Several of them were lying on the ground around him and the others were running into the dark. His bare feet splashed through the bloody water as he lifted Emma's soaked body and retreated back to the shadows.

* * *

"Let's play Halo," Mikey said as he took off Klunk's hat and tied on a baby bonnet instead.

Don was pulling on the dress. "I don't know if I can get it closed. My shell is bigger than yours."

"Let's just go topside and find a fight," Raph said. "I don't want to spend all night sitting here trying to figure out what to do." He was reading a book and flipped a page.

"Whatcha reading?" Mikey asked.

"'Titus Andronicus.' The king's daughter just had her tongue cut out."

Mikey stood next to him, holding Klunk as he looked over his shoulder to read the page. "I like 'Romeo and Juliet' better. But it has a sad ending."

Raph shut the book with a snap. "I don't like Romeo. He's a big wuss. Spends most of the time standing around crying. Then he goes bat shit crazy and kills Tybalt. He should have waited and figured out what happened to Mercutio. It wasn't like he was a straight shooter to start with. He just jumped to conclusions and then everybody ended up dead because of it."

"Are you frickin' kidding me?" Don asked as he tried to button up the yellow dress and keep the hem out of the water. "Like you would do any better? If it were you, you would have killed every person named Capulet in Verona."

Raph smirked and shrugged. "Well, I don't intend to get mixed up with any girl. That's what causes that kind of trouble. If you need to get laid, just go to a hooker. You don't take anything home with you."

Mikey held Klunk over his shoulder and leaned his cheek against his fur. "Except maybe a venereal disease."

* * *

He'd come to say something, but he couldn't remember what. Her apartment was dark and there was no immediate way to turn on the lights because they needed to be lit and Leo didn't know where she kept the matches. He sat on the bed, water running down his shell and pooling up behind him on the bedspread.

Emma had woken up as soon as they'd gotten in the door. Now she was in the bathroom fetching bandages and hydrogen peroxide. He'd had cuts far worse, but he didn't have the heart to tell her that the wound wasn't severe enough to require careful doctoring.

The hydrogen peroxide stung a little, but he didn't make any acknowledgement. He hadn't flinched when he'd broken his ankle. He wouldn't flinch when a small wound was cleaned.

"It doesn't hurt?" she asked. Her skin was glowing with dampness.

"No… well, yes a little. But not enough to… I'll cringe if you like," he said, simpering to himself.

She taped a piece of gauze over his arm. "No need for that."

He was shivering although it the room was warm and moist. He'd had a speech prepared. How did it go? "Emma, I have something to say…"

* * *

"Stop dressing that cat like a girl, Mike," Raph said, still reclining in his shopping cart. "It'll get a gender identity hang-up. It might think it's a girl and go into heat."

Don sighed loudly as he popped a wheelie with his wheelchair. "I really hope that you don't believe that, Raph."

"Let me use the wheelchair now," Raph said, standing up in his shopping cart and nearly causing it to capsize. "I'm getting rung marks on my ass."

"Wait, the dress is caught in the wheel."

Mikey put Klunk down in the shopping cart next to Raph and sat down on the little girl's bike. "I don't know if I can ride this. My knees come up past the handle bars."

Master Splinter meandered past the end of the tunnel with his walking stick and paused to observe his sons. He rolled his eyes and shook his head at the sight of Raphael standing in a shopping cart with a cat dressed in a child's bonnet at his feet, Michelangelo sitting on a small pink bicycle, and Donatello wearing a yellow dress, sitting in a wheelchair and the sound of "De Colores" in the background. "I trust that there is a good explanation for this. Please do not tell me what it is," he said as he moved on.

* * *

His explanations and reasoning had dried up on the way over. His father had said something important on the topic, but he couldn't remember what it was. There was great significance to the matter. It had something to do with leadership. Everything was leadership.

"Why were you out there alone?" he asked, his voice quiet and harsher than usual.

She was so close that he could taste her breath. It wasn't much to describe. It wasn't supernaturally sweet. Just the organic taste of another person and that made it better.

No answer was given. Her mouth met his. There was a thrill flashed through him that had nothing to do with her lips brushing over his. It was the loss of worry. Of the compulsive and consuming planning of his days. All the structure that held up his life.

It would hurt his mind too much to resist, he told himself as he pulled her loose dress down off her shoulders.

He didn't know what he was doing. The thought struck him like a rock in the face and he pulled away. "I don't… I haven't…"

"What?" She looked into his eyes waiting for an answer and he realized that she already knew what was in his head. She could read him so well.

"I don't know how." There were many things he could do. Almost anything, in fact. But this was not one of these things, at least as far as he knew.

She unexpectedly pushed him backwards onto his shell. "Don't worry. I'll show you."

* * *

"What did Casey say?" Mikey asked as he stuck a tray of cookies into the oven.

Raph hung up his phone with an expression of mild distaste. "It was April. You know how she is on dates with him." He imitated a girl with an adenoid problem. "'Oh, Casey. You're so witty. You're so smart.' Makes me sick. She used to have a brain." He clicked his phone shut and put it back on his belt. Klunk rubbed up on his legs. "How high do you think you have to drop a cat before it doesn't land on its legs?"

Mikey swooped down to rescue Klunk from Raph's insinuations. "I'm sure Raphie would never hurt you." He glowered at Raph cement his point.

"He probably wants to die with all the frilly shit you make him wear. He must have a death wish."

Don sat at the table and picked up the newspaper. Mikey and Raph exchanged wide eyed looks of suppressed laughter. Mikey choked out, "You look so beautiful, Donny." He and Raph snorted and giggled at each other.

"Huh?" Don opened the newspaper to the classifieds. "Could we use an air conditioner? I mean, maybe I should get a cheap one. I could use the Freon."

Raph and Mikey both looked away and Raph's face turned a dark purple color. Mikey's eyes watered.

"What?"

Mikey pointed at Don, who looked down at himself. He didn't seem surprised to find that he was still wearing a yellow dress. "I was cold and thought I would leave it on for a while."

Raph collapsed on the table, laughing, his head resting on his arms. Klunk took offense at his jovial outburst and scurried into Master Splinter's bedroom, seeking protection from his rat guardian.

"Well, I'll use a blanket, if you two morons insist." He stood up and let the dress drop to his feet.

There was a shocked gasp. "What are you doing?"

"April? Aren't you on a date?" Don scooped the dress off the floor and held it behind his back.

"Do I look like I'm on a date?" Actually, she did. She was wearing a tight black cocktail dress and strappy shoes. Not the common attire for a person wandering the sewers at night.

The cookies hit the counter with a clatter and Klunk tentatively poked his head out of the bedroom door, sniffing the air.

"I'm going to work out," Raph said, getting out of his chair. He reached out as he passed Don, as if were about to grab his backside. Don easily dodged his feigned advance. "See ya, sweetheart."

"Hey, shut up! Where's my $100? This was a bet in the first place, remember!" He was still standing there with the dress in his hands, wringing it like a wet towel.

April stuffed a hot cookie in her mouth and nearly choked. "I don't want to know, you guys."

Raph stuck his head out of the dojo door. "Anybody want to come and watch?"

Mikey laughed as he scraped cookies onto a plate. "Watch? Why?"

"Maybe he's afraid he'll drop the weights again," April said, giggling and licking chocolate off her fingers.

Raph let out a small growl and retreated back into the dojo.

"You shouldn't have said that," Mikey said with a wide and approving smile. "His ego is so fragile."

* * *

At first Leo thought he was in bed at home. So why did he hear water? He wasn't entirely surprised. He lived in a sewer, but they tried to keep the leaks out as much as possible or risk disease and possible death from contamination. It was a wonder they had lived through their childhoods.

There was a warm body against him and for a split second he wondered when Mikey had gotten into bed with him. He did that sometimes when he had a nightmare or when he wanted to get on his nerves. Mostly the latter nowadays. "You're too old for this," Leo said without opening his eyes.

But the arm across his body was too soft and had hair. April? Had he fallen asleep at April's? Why was he having such a hard time remembering what had happened?

And why was she naked?

It was Emma. The past several hours flashed through his brain like an electric shock. The headboard had been ripped off and was across the floor. He had done that. He remembered now. He had reached back for something to grab onto and…

She opened her eyes and looked into his face with a soft and sleep glazed expression. "Hi," he said. That was extremely lame. He should have told her that she was beautiful or that this was the greatest night of his life or something like that.

"What were you saying… yelling at me earlier?" she asked. "It was a different language."

He didn't recall saying or yelling anything for quite a while and thought that she was making fun of him, but then he remembered making several loud and desperate statements in Japanese and he definitely didn't think they were worth repeating again. He hid his face a little to indicate embarrassment.

"Oh, it was dirty. I enjoy embarrassing you. The great warrior, brought to his knees."

What was that supposed to mean? He'd noticed that she enjoyed conquering him. Now he just wanted to leave. Was that normal? He wanted his own bed and the familiar sound of family. He knew what to do there.

* * *

"Is it late or early by now?" Raph asked as he polished one of his sais with a scrap of t-shirt. He checked his phone. "Definitely early. 4am early. Why's that woman keep crying whenever she sees flowers? She looks like she needs some rubber wallpaper."

"Don, if you were a caveman, would you invent the wheel?" Mikey asked as he leaned his head on his shoulder and yawned. They were watching a boring movie about a woman who couldn't connect with her mother.

"I would invent the hell out of it," Don said, half asleep.

"There's syrup… MAPLE SYRUP ON MY SAI!"

April was drying her eyes, weeping at the delicate beauty of a mother-daughter relationship lost. "Where's the warden?" she asked.

"Which one?" Mikey said. Don nudged him in the side for his rudeness. He moved his head off Don's shoulder and said, "Splinter's out for one of his contemplative walks where he tries to figure out where he went wrong with us and Leo's on a run. He has energy to burn lately."

April rolled her eyes. "Raph, the flowers are symbolic of her lost innocence. It's sad, if you think about it."

* * *

Now Leo remembered. Romantic entanglements were forbidden. His chest felt like it was being crushed with the intensity of her presence since he'd woken up and realized what happened. He watched as she moved to the bathroom, secretly marveling and congratulating himself that she was his to stare at naked while she moved around the room.

Then he checked his phone. Mikey had sent him two pictures. The first was of April dressed to the nines, Don wearing Mikey's yellow undercover dress and Raph rolling his eyes. April and Don were making kissing faces at the camera while Raph crossed his arms. The second was a close up of April with Raph and Don on either side kissing her on both cheeks. The shocked expression told him that they hadn't given her a warning. He laughed out loud.

"Is something funny?" she asked, as she came out of the bathroom wearing her gauzy robe, brushing her damp hair.

"No, my siblings… I just hope they were all drunk when they took these because there's no excuse for them otherwise."

They must have had fun and he wondered what he had missed out on.


	6. Chapter 6

_I like Raph's introspective moments because they kind of give me a laugh. So often his thoughts are not similar to his actions. I didn't expect Raph's brain to travel in this direction, but it's an interesting development. I haven't been outlining this one very closely and just kind of winging it. It's pretty fun._

It always seemed like Leo woke him up as soon as he got to sleep. Raph felt a hand on his shoulder and reached out to grab it, but the hand disappeared before he could catch it. Blast Leo and his faster reflexes.

"Where you been?" he muttered, not really caring much.

"I was… in a fight. What have you been up to?"

Raph pulled the covers over his head. He felt them immediately pulled down. "Raph, I need to talk."

"Wake up Mikey." Why did he always want to talk to him? Hadn't he figured out that he was sullen and anti-social? And it was for a reason. So he would be safe from deep and dark personal confessions. There were enough deep and dark things moving around in his own brain without help from others.

"I can't. I can't talk to him about it."

That peaked Raph's curiosity and a little concern. What could be so big that he couldn't tell either of their younger brothers? It wasn't like they were actually younger. They declared them younger growing up as they pummeled them mercilessly and found that they were both too small to resist. "Ask Father."

"I want to talk to you. Please sit up."

Raph sat up, hunched over, rubbing his eyes. "This had better be the most important thing you've ever told me."

Leo sat next to him on the bed. There was gauze taped to his right arm and a line of blood shown through. "What happened?"

He looked down. "Oh, a Purple Dragon cut me."

Raph asked, "Which one of them volunteered to dress your wounds?"

No answer. Leo wrung his hands in his lap and looked at the floor. "I went to April's… she… helped…"

"That's a lie." Raph could tell a lie from Leo without hearing a word. He always shut his eyes. Plus, she'd been in the lair for eight hours. "Don't lie and bring her into it. And what do you have to lie about, St. Leonardo?"

His eyes were filling with tears. Raph tried to think of an excuse to leave the room and evade whatever awful confession was about to come out. "I gotta piss." He stood up automatically and realized that he really did need to use the bathroom.

Leo and his superfast reflexes reached up and grabbed his wrist. He pulled him back down onto the bed. "Can you wait?"

"No…" He pulled himself free and retreated to the bathroom. He shut the door and then jumped up and down, shaking his hands out. Trying to shake away the mounting worry. Leo would never do anything too bad. The worry died down and disappeared. He was a good boy. If there was one fact; one obnoxiously vexing fact in his life, it was that Leo didn't have any vices besides nagging. Stupid Leo and his perfection.

He was mildly surprised at how full his bladder had been and wondered dully if he would have wet the bed if it hadn't been for the rude awakening. He stumbled back into their room, already forgetting that Leo was there.

But it was worse now. Leo had taken off his bandanna to wipe his eyes. There was a real threat that he would cry. "Raph, shut the door."

His first instinct was to tell Leo to get up and do it himself, but then he realized that four others were asleep in lair and did it anyway. "April's here," he said as his last defense. "Want me to get her?"

He looked up, confused. "What? No. Just sit down."

Raph sighed. There was no escape now. Well, the sooner he got out whatever-it-was, then the sooner he could go back to bed. He was probably just worried for slacking off and not coming home again tonight. But he could explain that he was in an all night fight. There was nothing wrong with that.

"I've been shaky and weird since it happened and I think I really screwed up."

Now Raph was rolling his eyes. "You know, whatever you do that's bad looks like nothing in comparison to me and Mikey's bads, so don't worry about it. I'm sure Sensei will be shocked and appalled that you didn't do all of your katas today."

Leo put his face in his hand and covered his eyes. "Raph, I spent the night with Emma."

"Sensei told you not to go over there anymore!"

"Keep it down," Leo said. "I know. I did know."

"So you hung out with her or something?" Raph was quiet, thinking and trying not to keep talking. Usually the more he talked in these situations, the more likely it was that he'd end up punched for something. "Why would you rather hang around with her? She seemed boring as hell to me."

"Why do you have to be so willfully naïve sometimes?" Leo said, taking his hand away from his face, flaring up.

Raph jumped up and climbed into Leo's bed. He wouldn't deny him sleep. It was blessedly quiet for a whole minute or so. Then Leo said, "I… did something… that I think I'm ashamed of…"

Raph's voice rose with his frustration, "As much as I enjoy early morning cryptic guessing games, I'm more of a fan of sleep! So spit it out or get out of here!"

"Raph, I slept with Emma."

What? That couldn't be right. "Huh?" His brain could not process this information. Finally, something logic came to mind. "So you betrayed April and slept in another woman's bed. I'm sure she'll be horrified. Good night."

"No!" Leo's voice rose and choked with a sob. "I… Raph… how can you be so stupid? We had sex."

"Sex? That can't be right. Are you sure?" Raph was still facing the wall, unable to turn over and see the brilliant purplish blush of shame that he knew Leo was wearing.

But Leo didn't answer for a while and Raph eventually rolled over, hoping that addressing the issue head on would make him shut up about it. Leo was watching at him, his face still purpling with shame, but now contorted with utter disbelief. "Yes, Raph, I'm mistaken! I just imagined tearing off her headboard when..."

His brain reeled in protest at the unwanted visual that was now playing itself in his brain. "Just shut up and leave me alone. Deal with it yourself." Raph climbed into bed and then lay there, staring at the wall. He heard Leo snuffing and slowly moving into his bed.

Three hours later, Raph was lying in the dark, listening to Leo's steady breathing as he slept. Sex? What? How could it even happen? The physical implications…

They could have sex with humans! For some reason, this was a very troubling development. He'd always thought he would just go out and bang the first woman available if he ever found out that it was possible. Before the only thing standing between him and carnality was the lack of available partners. More like absence of partners. The fault wasn't with him. And now here was a completely viable option. The whole world of human women before him. Even April if… no, not even April. Maybe Don could get her after all. And they would eventually get married and have lots of little green nerd babies.

Why would Leo do that? He must be possessed. His Leo would never do anything that bad, so there must have been something influencing him or controlling him or tricking him.

Sex with humans. Raph felt his stomach filling with shame. It felt a lot like indigestion. He blushed from a peck on the cheek from his self-proclaimed sister. And Leo had gone all the way. Was he behind developmentally? Maybe he was gay.

But that didn't help. Now there was a whole world of human males available for the taking. He shuddered. He wasn't gay. Just behind. Leo was steamrolling ahead into adulthood and had left him behind at some point that he couldn't identify.

They had always done everything around the same time. First Leo did something and then Raph followed because he was stubborn and competitive and hated seeing Leo doing things that he couldn't. He would work extra hard and drive himself crazy, trying to keep up. But over the years the trying to keep up had gotten harder. It took more and more work and it took longer and longer.

Was he expected to go out and have sex too? Well, that wouldn't be so hard. Except for the part where he was a big green mutant. What woman would want to go to bed with him? Emma. Maybe he could go and ask her to take his virginity. Why did he think of such awful things? Did he have some kind of brain disease?

So now he would have to find a woman to sleep with. Unless nobody found out about Leo and Emma. They could keep it a secret. Why would anybody have to know, if it was a one-time thing. And he probably had hit his head during a fight and imagined it anyway.

He jumped out of bed and frantically shook Leo awake. He groaned.

"You have to keep it secret! Are you going to tell Splinter?"

"Eventually, I'll have to. Why?"

Raph knelt beside the bed. "Did you think about keeping it quiet?"

Leo rolled over and gave him the scathing look that proceeded nagging and arguments. "I will not lie to our father no matter what happens to me and I'm ashamed of you for suggesting it. Also surprised, since you chastised me for it earlier, remember."

Raph jumped back into bed, trying to figure out what to do next. How could Leo do this to him? Didn't he realize that what he did affected them all? Don and Mikey… He didn't even want to think of what they would do.

So he would go out and find some woman to sleep with, he thought as he drifted to sleep.

* * *

The next day was definitely an uphill battle. Leo was testy and made them all spar until Don collapsed on his face and refused to get up. "Just let me die," his muffled voice said into the floor.

Leo put his katanas away with an unusually impressive amount of flare, which caused Raph to roll his eyes. "Who are you showing off for?"

Mikey sat down next to Don and patted his shell. "Let's do something fun after dinner. I know! Let's get out the strobes and summon aliens!"

"Okay." Still muffled into the floor.

Leo wiped his sweaty face with his hand and said, "How will flashing a strobe through a sewer grate summon aliens? More likely to summon stray cats or homeless guys."

"If you're going to doubt, then you can't come," Mikey said. "We all know aliens are out there. Hell, we fought them. What about you, Raph?"

Playing with strobes was usually just a good excuse to scare pedestrians and look up girls' skirts through the grates. Usually, he was all for it, but he had plans. "Nope. Got plans." Dammit. Why did he just say that?

"Plans?" Leo said, instantly stepping towards him. "What plans? With who?"

Raph decided it would be a good time to swagger out dramatically with no explanation. But Leo could never take a hint and had to follow him out into the tunnel. "Wait, Raph!"

He turned around, holding out his hands questioningly. "Got any more women you fucked that you want to tell me about?"

Leo screwed up his face at the harsh language. "No. Just don't tell anybody until… I've figured out how to tell Sensei."

"Because I'm such a gossip?" He crossed his arms.

Leo sighed. "I don't know." He put his hand to his head and winced.

"What?"

He massaged his forehead. "Just a headache. Getting sick, I guess. Be careful."

"Always am." He turned to leave, walking quickly and with a purpose.

* * *

Where was a prostitute when you needed one? Whenever he didn't want one, then there were suddenly ten or twelve getting mugged or assaulted by their johns. Life wasn't fair. At least to him.

That wasn't true. He was pretty lucky. He had mutated in a sewer tunnel and had the extraordinary good luck of being found by a creature that wanted to raise him instead of eat him.

He hovered in the shadows, hoping that he would get jumped. Then he would have something else to do. But the fight would end eventually and he would have to keep looking for a woman anyway. Maybe he would get killed. That would end his troubles pretty quick.

There was a woman a little older than April strutting around across the street. She was wearing skin tight jeans and bizarre looking high heels that were an electric green. Then he realized that she was obviously pregnant and tried to resist the urge to vomit. He turned the corner, looking for new territory.

It must be hard to be a hooker, he thought. Standing outside in all weather. And their clothes didn't look too comfortable. But they put themselves in that position, so he wasn't inclined to feel sorry for them.

At first he didn't have any opinion on the subject of his purchase other than female. But then he decided he should wait and look for a pretty one. At least somebody he could stomach looking at for however long this was supposed to take. How long did it take, anyway? Leo had been gone all night. Maybe he spent fifteen minutes on it and then went to sleep. Would he have to pay extra for the sleep?

There was a pretty one. Young too. That was mildly depressing, but it was her own decision to be out here. She was standing idly on the street corner in a skimpy top and another pair of tight jeans. He whistled from the alley. His instincts told him to stay in the shadows.

She was coming over. What should he do? Panic. How would he explain how he looked? More panic.

"Yeah?" She squinted into the dark, wrinkling up her little nose.

"Uh… I'm in the market… um… first I have to say…"

She pulled out her cell phone and looked at the screen.

"Hey, pay attention!" he said. "I'm looking for a hooker. Are you one? If not, then sorry for thinking you're a slut."

"Yeah, I'm $50 every fifteen minutes." Didn't look away from her phone.

It was extremely disheartening to proposition a woman for sex and be completely ignored.

"I'm not normal though. I'm… different looking. So don't scream or nothing. I'm not coming out into the light, so you'll have to come closer to me."

She looked up from her phone and said, "Yeah, sure, mysterious voice in the shadows. Just let me step over there so you can ax murder me."

"I'll pay double then. Just get over here!"

She eagerly folded up her phone and stepped closer. He felt like stepping backwards as she came closer. As soon as she could see him fully, she stopped in mid-step. "Hey, I've seen you before! Well, you were wearing orange that day! You saved me from some guy."

Relief. "That was my brother. We go around saving people. So, you want to do it now?"

"You bring protection?" She put her hands in her jean pockets. Well, her fingers. They were too tight to fit her whole hands.

He reached automatically for his sais.

She raised her eyebrows and said, "No. Not that kind of protection."

He knew he'd forgotten something. "No, I can't buy things. Is there a dispenser someplace?"

"I have a few. Come on."

She walked him down the alley about midway and they both stopped. He stood there waiting for her to keep going. "What? Right here in the alley? Isn't that kind of dirty?"

"You have a car?" She was annoyed.

"No." It was all he needed to have a group of foot ninjas walk in on him banging a prostitute in an alley. "I have more money. I'll pay for a hotel. You'll have to go in and book the room though."

"That'll cost extra on my premium." She was getting a little excited now that she knew she could work extra money out of him.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm good for it." He'd just sold a bunch of scavenged car parts on eBay the other day and had cash lying around for a change.

He led the way down the alley towards the closest sleazy motel and wondered if she would charge him for the walk. When did his tab start, exactly?


	7. Chapter 7

_Not much to say here. I happen to have an excellent memory and I remember when all this stuff was happening to me and my friends and siblings and the feeling. Trying to recreate it is hard though._

He couldn't remember the last time he felt shy and awkward. Raph assumed that he didn't get that gene. Maybe he did and it only showed up when he was about to have sex. His legs jittered. What should he do with his gear? Take it off in advance or let her do it? He really didn't want strangers touching his sais.

Raph sat on the end of the bed next to his hooker. She was his for the next hour anyway. "What's your name?" he asked.

"Henna," she said. She yawned. A small flame of anger was burning. The prospect of sexing him was that boring. She must get laid by all kinds of mutants. "That's my business name. Why?"

"I want to know whose name to call out, I guess."

She let out a scoffing laugh. "What's your name? Not that I'll have a reason to use it or anything." She pulled out her phone again, giggled and typed a text message.

Raph growled, grabbed her phone and threw it across the room.

"Hey!"

"You can talk to your pimp when we're done. I only got an hour here."

"Fine." She scooted back on the bed, lying back, looking at him seductively. She kicked his shell with her pointy shoe. "Come on, tough guy. Show me what you've got."

"We just go at it then?" That seemed so perfunctory. "Maybe I want to kiss you first. There's a natural progression to this kind of thing. I can't just start in the middle." He couldn't start anywhere, truthfully. Good cover story.

Henna sat up automatically and put her lips to his mouth. The kiss dug in, but he didn't kiss back. She pulled away and said in exasperation, "You've never even been kissed, have you?"

"My money's as good as anybody else's." His face was warm.

"It's fine. It'll be nice, actually. I'd say that I'll show you the ropes, but you seem like a take charge kind of guy." She ran her hands down his arms and a jolt ran through him. "Your arms feel like rock."

Just hurry up and get it done. Stop fucking around. He pushed her back on the bed, straddling her. Hadn't he done this recently? Henna was looking up at him, mildly surprised at his sudden action. Emma. Had he jumped Emma like this? No, he had only thought about it. Why was he so confused? No time to be distracted when he was paying by the minute. He didn't have to do it well. Just get it done.

Henna stroked his thighs, trying to get his attention. It worked. It was like the instruction manual had downloaded into his brain and the circuit breakers were switched on. He would definitely give her a reason to use his name.

He leaned down, looking in her eyes, but paused. This felt so familiar, but in a wrong kind of way. Terrifying and helpless. Clicking talons that dug into his plastron. Feathers rustling in the dark. "You ever dream with your eyes open?" he asked. He was holding onto her shirt, ready to rip it shreds.

She sat up and kissed him. He gave in, trying to block out the memory, but then pulled out of the devouring kiss with a wet smack and said, "You know, those dreams where you can't move. You see things in the room that aren't there."

"This is totally unfair!" Henna said, throwing up her hands. "At first I was put off because you're weird looking and now you got me hot for you and we're not even going to do anything. This is so unfair. I never get johns who are any good! It isn't fair!" She pouted like a little girl.

Raph fell to the side, talking to himself. "I have this dream sometimes. About a thing that sits on my chest and I can't breathe. I remember what it is now. I'm so fucking stupid!"

"Good for you." Henna unfastened her pants and took one of his hands, attempting to place it on a provocative part of her body. He didn't notice. His breath was picking up, but it wasn't because of her. All the numbers were adding up, matching on both sides of the equation. Henna. Business name. Emma. He didn't want to do the thinking. It was time to call Don and pass the thinking off to him.

"What?" She sat up, watching him dial his phone frantically.

"Here's your money. Buy a bus ticket home." He tossed a few hundred dollars onto the bed. "Don, do we know this bitch's last name? O'Neil? What… I don't mean April, dumbass. I mean Emma. Do we know anything about her? Last name? Where she lived past a month ago?"

Henna counted her money and listened to Raph, watching out of the corner of her eye.

"And she keeps birds or works with birds, right? Yeah, find out if she has any really big black birds. Like a monster crow or something. BECAUSE I SAID SO! THAT'S WHY! JUST DO A BACKGROUND CHECK!"

He hung up on Don and reached for the door, purpose now redirected.

"You didn't get what you paid for," Henna said.

"You have my money. What do you care?" He'd gotten something better.

* * *

April wondered how to keep the sweat pants on. The boys' waistlines were at least three times the size of hers, due to their shells. Maybe she could tie it up. Maybe she should just go home and get clothes. Maybe she should go home and live like a normal person. They never grudged her for camping out down there with them, so what did it matter?

She could hear Mikey yelling, "Viola!" every couple of minutes and pans banging. It was an ominous sign. That usually meant that he and Don were experimenting. Sometimes it resulted in food poisoning. Sometimes explosions.

Leo blindly charged into the bathroom, rubbing his crotch and grimacing. She was only half dressed. Trying to tie up the sweatpants and wearing a bra on top. She didn't think twice about it. They walked in on her a lot. Knocking was a lost art form in the Hamato household. "What's up, love?" she asked distractedly as she stuck a pin in the waistband of the pants.

No response. But he hadn't left the room. He was staring. "Sorry." Shut the door.

That was just what she needed. For them to all suddenly get weird about her female parts.

Dinner was a first and most likely a last. Don had tried to use an old deep fryer to cook a ham.

April chewed vigorously, taking a look at Leo to see what he thought of it. He wasn't even eating. Just looking at his plate, pushing his vegetables around with his fork. "This tastes like rubber, guys," she said.

"Yeah, it does." Mikey threw down his fork. "Too bad Raph's not home. He would pretend to like it."

"He would?" April didn't think that sounded right.

Don sighed and scraped his and Master Splinter's plates into the trash. "Yeah, only when me and Leo cook though. He doesn't do that with Mikey. Guess he has higher expectations from him. At least we had fun using the deep fryer."

Leo was looking off into space, slightly misty eyed. "You okay?"

He blinked and looked as if he'd forgotten that others were in the room. "No, I'm fine."

. His body language was more restrained than usual. Like he was afraid that someone would jump out at him from behind the corner. Leo didn't worry about that kind of thing. He knew who was around every corner.

Whatever was wrong, his father and brothers didn't notice. Maybe Master Splinter noticed and she was too stupid to notice his noticing.

"What is wrong, Leonardo?" asked Master Splinter. So she was too stupid.

"Nothing, Sensei." The slightly heightened pitch made her glance back at Splinter to catch his reaction. "I'm feeling a little… ill… well, not really. I have a medical issue…"

"Oh, spit it out," Don said as he unwrapped some frozen pizzas. "We'll all hear about it later anyway."

"I'd rather not."

"Are you embarrassed about something?" she asked.

He looked her in the eye for a second and she held the eye contact. He was scared. "I… have…" He took a deep sigh. "Every time I tried to urinate today… it burned. Then it… stopped. I'm rather uncomfortable right now, as a matter of fact."

"Huh?" she said. Burning. "Bladder infection?"

"That may be," Splinter said as he resumed his dinner. "You must drink more water."

Leo pushed his vegetables around on his plate. "I do drink water."

Mikey giggled. "I bet you have the clap."

Leo's fork clattered to his plate and his expression changed to utter panic within less than a second. He breathed in and regained his composure.

"All of you leave the room at once," Master Splinter said, waving them away.

"What. I was kidding," Mikey said as he threw the pizza back in the freezer. "Can't you wait to yell at Leo? I'm starving."

"Now, Michelangelo!"

* * *

April followed Don and Mikey out into the tunnels. "Let's just go back to my place. You can cook for us there." She hiked up her pants.

"I would but I don't want Sensei and Leo to starve. What was that about anyway?" Mikey skipped ahead of them. A quiet mewing echoed after them. "Come on, Klunky! I wouldn't leave you behind."

The kitty trotted happily down the tunnel to meet them and Mikey picked him up, holding him to his face to rub noses.

"What's 'the clap', Mike?" Don asked.

April's jaw dropped dramatically and she hip checked him. "You mean, you don't know? There's a fact that you don't know?"

He hip checked back and she stumbled away several feet. "What? I'm not all-knowing."

"The clap is gonorrhea," Mikey said. "Let's sneak back and listen."

Don stopped and held on to the wall, staring down into the sewer water. April thought he was about to throw up. "Mikey…"

"What? We always listen in. Sensei knows it."

"Don't you get it?"

April got it as soon as Don grabbed the wall. Why had it taken her so long to figure it out? "Don, shut up. We don't have to…" burst poor Mikey's innocent delusions about reality.

"It's a sexually transmitted disease! Leo probably had sex!"

Klunk hissed as Mikey dropped him into a puddle. "There's no way. I don't believe it. Maybe he got it down here. We live in disease central."

April took a few steps away from the sewer wall. They did live in a germ colony after all. There was a loud silence as Don's face turned unusually angry. April wanted to turn back. If it was true… Leo was a sixteen year old boy. True, he was a professional ninja with nerves of steel, but he was still sixteen. To lose your virginity and then be punished for endangering your family and no talk about responsibility or feelings. She took a step backwards without thinking.

Mikey said, in a high-pitched and quick voice that made him sound about twelve, "He can't be having sex. I'm still kind of a baby and we're the same age."

"You're not a baby," Don sighed. "All right. You kind of are. But there's nothing wrong with that. You'll make it at your own pace, remember. Just go the speed limit."

That made no sense to April. She nearly tripped as she took another step backwards.

"I don't even think about sex yet," Mikey said, his eyes wide with shock. "Well, I do. But not with other people."

She stopped and flinched in disgust.

"What if he's in love with Emma and then he moves out? What are we going to do? I don't want him to leave us alone with Raph in charge! And I don't like knowing that he did it! It's gross! I don't want to ever touch him again! What if he doesn't want to hang out with us anymore because we're so immature compared to him? We'll have nothing to talk about."

Don put an arm around his shoulders and said, "Nothing like that will ever happen. Leo can't leave us. Splinter owns his soul until he's at least 21. We're the only real property he has."

April snorted unwillingly through her nose. "Sorry. And stop talking like that. It isn't like he turned into another person… turtle. I'm sure things will go back to normal soon and we'll forget all about it. This is a normal part of life."

* * *

Master Splinter watched his son as he refused to look in his eyes. He could tell that Leonardo's hands were shaking although they were firmly hidden under the table.

"Now, son, I do not wish to make presumptions. But I do have suspicions and experience has told me that you are not a very good liar. At least to me." His eyes were red and threatened tears. So it was true. But he wanted to hear it directly. "You received my judgment concerning this woman. Have you obeyed me?"

No answer. Just as he was about to open his mouth, Leonardo said thickly, "No, Sensei."

It was the tone of voice that he never wanted to hear from his children. Too full of shame to admit to what they had done. Raphael often hid things from him, but he came to him in his own time. Thankfully, he hadn't done anything so catastrophic yet that he hadn't been able to eventually confess.

"Your brother made a crude joker earlier, insinuating that you have…" He couldn't even believe the words were about to come out of his mouth and resisted the urge to disassociate from the event. "…that you have a venereal disease. Do you?"

No answer. His eyes shifted.

"Allow me to rephrase this more carefully. Is there any possibility that you may have a venereal disease?"

Then the tears fell.

Splinter sighed. "You should have told me when you first suspected. You will need medical treatment. I'm ashamed that you wished to cover up your misdeeds and put yourself physically in jeopardy. If you are not mindful of your performance in battle, then your brothers could be endangered."

Leonardo nodded hard, reining back his unprofessional tears. "Yes, Sensei. I agree."

"You will explain your condition in full detail to Donatello and April and they will help you." Master Splinter rose from the kitchen table. "Now I will walk for a while. I need to think about this."

* * *

Raph laughed to himself as he jumped down the manhole that led home. Well, this was an interesting day. He'd lost all his money to a hooker. Hadn't even been serviced.

But he'd gotten something far more important. A memory. He knew this bitch was bad from the start and this would teach them to always doubt his instincts. They're there for a reason. Maybe Leo would be in better shape if he listened to him a little more often. Always following the rules blindly, no matter what his gut told him.

Well, Raph's gut told him plenty and most of the time he was right. At least none of them had died because of it yet.

What would he say when he got back? He had to come up with something really cool. Something like, "Maybe in the future you can use the pain in your dick to gauge whether or not my instincts are wrong." Yeah. That would work. He could just see the look on his face. Raph knew he would get beaten for it, but it would be worth it. Leo was such a self-righteous prick. He hoped he got AIDS. He smiled bitterly at the thought of St. Leonardo catching himself HIV.

The lair was empty. That was disappointing. He'd have to save his crushing one-liner for later.

Raph opened the bathroom door and found Leo sitting alone on the floor with a blanket over his lap, crying. His bandanna and gear were in the empty bathtub. He turned away when Raph opened the door, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Big brother was hurt. His Leo was sick.

"Raph, I really fucked up," Leo said, his chest hiccupping with every word. "Splinter figured it out."

"Really? What did he say?"

Leo let out another sob and covered his face. "He was so angry he didn't really say anything. He left. He's thinking about it."

Raph had to do something. He pulled a washrag and towel from under the sink and wetted the rag in warm water and then, without thinking, knelt down and carefully wiped Leo's face clean. Leo reached out to take the towel, but Raph pulled it away and dried his face for him.

"You look like a real mess," Raph said, catching some fresh tears as they fell and dabbed them away. "If it makes you feel better, I lost all my money on a hooker today."

Leo sobbed loudly.

"No, I didn't do anything with her!" Raph said frantically as Leo descended further into despair, thinking he had led his little brother astray. "I kissed her is all. But she wasn't my type, you know." Raph smiled slightly. "Too wholesome."

Leo laughed one long snort, spraying snot. He took the rag from Raph and cleaned his face again.

"Think Splinter will put this in our book of firsts?" Raph asked, sitting down next to him and purposefully touching his arm against Leo's. "'Leonardo – Lost virginity. Raphael – Bought whore.'"

Leo leaned forward, laughing unwillingly through his tears. "You're… you're too awful… Ouch!" He laughed as he put his hand under the blanket, one of his vital organs strained from his laughter.

Now that it was quiet, Raph felt his throat tightening and chest constricting and the childlike fear of the loss of something indistinctly important finally showed through. But he could drown it down. There was a problem to solve. A fight on the horizon. That bitch would pay for hurting Leo.


	8. Chapter 8

_What do you do when you're a teenage boy, frustratedly wandering the internet? Stare at female celebrities. That's what I would do. I would totally be into Taylor Swift if I were a boy. Sorry for the graphic medical inspection. Gave me a laugh. I'm tired and needed a laugh._

Leo spent the next few hours sitting in the infirmary while April prodded his genitals and made notes. No hint of embarrassment on her part. She seemed rather fascinated. She was happy any time she got to look at blood or guts or puss or anything that oozed out of a body. Especially theirs. "Look how red it is at the base," she said, pointing and squinting between his legs.

"It burns too. Can I put it away now?"

"Not yet. I need some samples."

That made his most miserable day complete. He whimpered loudly, hoping they would take pity upon him. Nobody noticed. He said, "I know we all share a lot and we're kind of close on a physical level, but I'm feeling very awkward. So please hurry."

Don asked, "Has it been leaking or oozing?"

April said excitedly, "I forgot to ask that! It would eliminate a few things here."

He tried to think. Oozing? Maybe. Not really. "No, I didn't notice if it did. Are we done yet?" And worst of all, Mikey and Raph were hanging around in the doorway, watching. "Would you two get lost!"

Mikey was giggling and bouncing around the room. "It isn't every day that we get you to whip out your junk in public."

"It isn't like you guys haven't seen it before," Leo said, pouting as April pulled out a camera to document the painful rash that was spreading over his inner thighs. "You've seen it a lot, actually."

Raph was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. "Well, it shouldn't be any problem, then."

April said pulled off her rubber gloves and said, "You're done. You can… put yourself back together."

"Everybody turn around." No one complied. Raph actually came closer.

"How does it feel?" Don asked, still staring between his legs at the weeping rash that had spread up and down the insides of his legs.

"Used and violated."

Leo yelped as April reached down and touched his rash. "Sorry," she said without much sympathy. "Don, feel that."

And now they were both feeling his thighs. "I'd rather you not do that."

"It's hot. Like, the rash is hot," Don said. "That can't be good. And the skin in the middle is turning grey. That's…"

"What? Grey?" Mikey's amusement turned to professional medical concern. "Tissue death? Is that happening?" Now there were three of them poking at his thighs.

He brushed them all away and covered his lap with a blanket. "I'll let you see it again if you have a valid reason. But no more gawking or exploring."

Mikey was cringing as if he were holding back some troubling news. He said, quietly, "That's really quick for things to take a turn. I mean, you got laid, what, yesterday? This shouldn't have happened for weeks at least."

Then it was quiet as they all looked at each other.

Of course, Raph and his complete lack of tact said, "What? You weren't out whoring around before that, were you?"

He jumped to his feet, deciding to take a posture of authority before his speech. His power pose lost some of its effect when he flinched and grabbed his crotch. "I have not and I'm insulted that you would think so. And since when do you have anything to talk about? Bought any hookers lately, Raph? How soon we forget! Maybe we should both take HIV tests." Why didn't he ever learn? Whenever he was angry with Raphael he experienced a delusional few seconds where saying something bitter and unfair seemed like a good way to alleviate his pain. And then he said it and saw the momentary flash of hurt in Raph's eyes, quickly drowned out by rage.

"I told you that in confidence! You were sniveling on the floor like a baby! And I'm not the dirty whore here! You are!"

"Raph!" Mikey said. "You shut up!"

Leo sat down in surprise. Mikey rarely yelled and he almost never ordered Raph around. Raph was so shocked that he could do nothing but scoff defiantly and left the room.

* * *

What a lousy day. Leo had some kind of exotic sex disease. Mikey still played with action figures. Everything seemed upside down and backwards.

"Think Raph's still a virgin?" Mikey asked, curled up in his bed, his big eyes peeking out the top of his covers at Don across the room.

"Probably. I mean, I hope so. He's still kind of a dweeb like us, so…"

Mikey cuddled Klunk, who was purring against his crotch and kneading painfully into his gut. He was so happy that he couldn't bear to move him. "Think Klunk's a virgin?"

"Um…"

"What about Master Splinter?"

Don laughed. "Good night, Mikey."

He should be more grown up by now. Have some idea about the direction of his life or have more bitterness toward the world. Adults regarded the world as a wide and empty abyss, yawing before them, ready to gobble up their potential and drown them in the mundane. That's what adults seemed to do. April sometimes said, "Life is just something you get through. You just check off one thing after another." He never paid attention. Of course she was wrong. Life was full of happiness and monumental moments like weddings and birthdays and photo albums. Maybe that was just an immature person's version of life. Maybe the adult version was venereal diseases, unpaid bills and funerals.

"Do you think I'm immature?" Mikey asked.

Don didn't answer for a second. "No, you're not immature. You're just… innocent."

Mikey sighed. That meant immature. "I don't want to be innocent anymore. Nobody gives me any respect. I need to start being a glass-half-empty type like you guys and then maybe people will listen to me. I'll start tomorrow. I'll be more mature. No video games or comic books or fun stuff. I'll just watch the news and shake my head at the degradation of society and then whine about how I don't have what I need although I'm perfectly well fed and entertained and not living in a snow drift."

Don laughed softly from his bed. It was so soft that Mikey thought it was a snore for a second. "I think you're the most mature of us all when you talk like that."

* * *

Everyone was finally asleep and Raph turned on the lab computer. It was extremely good luck to find Don actually in his bed for once. Not bent over the keyboard, indulging in his OCD tendencies. He'd come up with two plans in case Don was still lurking in the lab. He would stand around in the lab, saying as many offensive things as he could until Don got fed up with him and went to bed or else just knock him out and throw him in bed. Thankfully, he hadn't needed to do either.

Don hadn't done any research on the topic he had requested. It had been blocked out by April's appearance and then the horrible news of Leo's deflowering and budding disease.

What to look up? He never did any of the research. He had a few times, but he complained so much that Don banished him from the lab. He looked up stuff for himself, but that was different. It wasn't frustrating if you enjoyed the topic.

Emma. What was her last name? Did Leo even know? Where was she from? How would he look up anything about her if he couldn't even tell who she was?

He sat at the computer, squinting at the bright white screen in the dark, his hands poised over the keyboard. What was that on the desktop? A skanky looking anime woman with breasts so large she would probably float in the water without a life preserver. That must be what geeks get off on. He stared at it, thinking. Actually, not much thinking went on because it was so distracting. She was disturbingly disproportionate. It bothered him. Why were her boobs that big? What was the purpose of that? He clicked a few times and changed the desktop to a random picture that had come with Windows. A few close-ups of dewy flowers. That was better. Now he could think.

Had April seen that picture? If she had, she didn't pay attention to it. She led a lot of stuff slide. She was tough. If she hadn't been tough, she wouldn't have lasted so long with them.

And then he was looking at skanky anime girl again. Her eyes took up about two thirds of her face. What was up with that? Disgusting.

Then he stared at the Yahoo search page. The Yahoo logo was made out of Legos today. That was interesting. Emma. Emma No-Last-Name. Where did Don look when he was tracking people? Absolutely blank. A dignitary was set on fire at a football game. Awkward for foreign relations. Wow, Kim Kardashian had a fine ass. What did men fear on first dates? He was a man. Almost. What would he fear on a first date? None of this shit. Only a pansy would fear… oh, well, maybe that was a good one.

Emma. Search for Emma. "30 Things to do Before Sex." Before he knew it, he'd wasted an hour and a half reading Yahoo dating articles and ground his teeth in frustration.

This must be why they didn't let him do research. Forget Emma. What about the black bird? There were no huge black birds indigenous to New York or the Eastern Seaboard. Well, crows, but nothing bigger than that.

What next? How big did black birds get around the world? Maybe it was import. All these birds were relatively small. This bird was huge. Bigger than an eagle. He closed his eyes and pictured it in his mind. The wing span was huge. One of them brushed against the wall and other stretched halfway across the room when it crouched on his chest. He felt the pressure as the memory flowed through and he shook his head to sweep it away.

Coffee? Would coffee help?

* * *

He heard his name and willed himself back to sleep. Why was this hard thing against his face? He was used to waking up in uncomfortable positions, but he knew he'd fallen asleep in bed last night.

"Raph?" Don pinched him in the back of neck. "What are you doing? Were you watching Taylor Swift videos?"

"Huh?" Yes, he had been watching Taylor Swift videos. He'd been gawking at her figure while he tried to think. Nothing had happened on an intellectual level. He felt the home keys imprinted on his face.

Mikey said, "Hey, Romeo. Think we could find a puffy pirate shirt that would fit you?"

He hurriedly shut down the window to rid himself of Taylor's ivory frame and then yelled, "Oh, FUCK!" He'd lost his important research window. Then he realized that it was only a Wikipedia article and immediately brought it back up.

Mikey squinted over his shoulder at the screen, reading and slurping a juice box. "Lilith? Who's she?"


	9. Chapter 9

_Now, for sadness._

Why did he have to keep moaning like that? If he was so sick, he should just wake up Don and tell him so or else call April if it was too intimate to tell Don. Go ask their personal nurse. Leo was in bed across the room in a very odd position, lying on his shell with his legs pressed to his plastron. Sort of like an inverted fetal position. His legs worked up and down slightly.

Raph turned on his desk lamp. "Better make sure you're not dying or anything," Raph said, hoping that a joke would help.

Leo whimpered. His eyes were shut tightly, teeth biting into his bottom lip.

"What are you doing?" Raph asked.

"I can't…" he wheezed out. "It hurts. It's all swollen and my stomach feels like a washing machine agitator. It'll stop soon."

And he was sweating. All covered in sweat. Raph wasn't terribly concerned. He'd seen Leo in all forms and degrees of agony and privately believed that he could survive a beheading. And it did die down after a few minutes. His legs sagged back down onto the mattress, knees cracking, and he covered himself with his blanket.

"Must really suck to have all that pain in your dick," Raph said.

"Would you shut up! Why do you have to say things like that?" He rolled over on to his side to face the middle of the room and yelped as his weight shifted. "I need another pillow for my legs."

April's pillow was in the lab, but Raph wasn't sure that she would appreciate it being between Leo's legs against his weeping genital rash. Whatever, he thought. We just won't tell her. He stumbled across the lair, wondering how difficult it was for non-ninjas to walk in the dark.

He threw the pillow onto Leo's bed. "Thanks," Leo said, flushed and sweaty.

Raph caught a glimpse of his lower plastron as Leo pulled back his covers to jam the pillow between his knees. "Hey, what's up with your plastron? It's all dark. Like brown…"

Leo pulled the blanket up hastily. "It's nothing. Just bruised, I think."

"Bruised! What the fuck! Can that happen?" No, it couldn't happen. "That don't sound right. You should call April."

"No, I'm fine. I'll feel better in the morning." He curled into his blankets, shivering and fought off the creases in his forehead that were expressive of pain. "Could you just get me some water and Aspirin maybe?"

His plastron was changing colors? Going all dark? He looked down at his own plastron, especially the part near his dearest organs and cringed. He probably wouldn't ask for help either. He would go hide in a bunker until it went away. No awkward questions. Just suffer with it alone. Rub on some Bengay. Keep a cold beer on it.

Raph dutifully fetched some Aspirin and a glass of water. Leo sat up halfway in his bed, choking down a cry of pain, but unable to prevent himself from opening his mouth and exhaling dramatically. Raph said, "Here. I didn't even spit in the water this time."

Leo took the glass like a lamb and swallowed the pills, but he watched Raph over the rim of the glass the whole time. He had something on his mind. He was about to say something. Raph should turn off the light. Let him know it wasn't okay to talk anymore.

"You're going to leave us someday," Leo said as soon as the glass left his lips.

"Huh?"

"You're going to leave. You'll leave us all behind." Must be the exhaustion making him say this. "I wouldn't leave you behind. So when you go, just come back once and a while and see us or let me visit you. I don't have any other friends, you know."

Raph had several urges at the moment. The first was to cry for Leo being so friendless. The next was to yell at him for daring to presume that he would just take off on them all permanently and the last was to wake up Don and tell him that Leo was out of his senses.

"April and Casey are friends. They ain't related." Should he say it? It hurt to even think it. "Emma's your friend, I guess."

A clouded look of affection. "Yeah, I guess so. I never thought of that. I guess she counts as a friend. She's my lover too, you know." He closed his eyes and smiled softly and Raph wondered if he should leave the room. He looked so soppy.

"I'm going to bed." Jumped across the room to escape the look of romance on his brother's face.

Quiet for nearly fifteen minutes. Then Raph said, cracking the silence in half, "And like you ain't never thought of just taking off and leaving us all behind?"

No answer. Must be asleep already.

Raph faded easily into sleep and dreamed that he was playing the piano. It was quiet in the empty space and notes made up the room. Pretty and soft sounds. Just him and the comfort of the delicate music. Sad music that made him happy for the tragedy of it all.

"Raphie…"

Leo was talking and shuffling. Lots of noise from his end of the room. "Shut up," Raph said. Why did he wake him? That was such a nice dream. Now he was in his bed in the sewers again. Closed his eyes and tried to remember the song, but it was gone.

* * *

Oh, who was in bed with him? They deserved some serious killing when he woke up enough to dole it out. Smelled like Leo.

Didn't stir for a second and tried to move away from his brother's bulk. Leo? He hadn't slept in the same bed with him for years. He must have been sicker than he thought. Well, he could get killed after he was well enough to take it. He wasn't totally heartless. As soon as Leo was on his feet, he would knock him back down on his ass. Raph smiled to himself and felt the crust of sleep on his face with the movement.

Raph didn't notice until he tried to move. Leo's hands were under the covers and the back of his right hand was against Raph's plastron. Just like when they were babies. That's how Leo always slept. With one hand against the chest of another. It was always cold and they needed to keep the heat somehow. Leo always needed to know that one of the other little ones was close by.

"Okay, Fearless…" Opened his eyes. He would wake him up with a good tap on the nose. That would be funny. Then he would flinch and be all, "What was that?" But his eyes were already open.

Half open though. Bloodshot and glossed over with tears that hadn't fallen. The second Raph saw him, he knew. He was still and quiet and so sad. Not scared, but sad. He had called his name helplessly in the night, crawled into bed with him and curled up against him like an infant.

Raph's chest heaved quicker and quicker with the stillness. Too still. No blinking. No moving. No anything.

"Leo… Leo…"

Shook his shoulder. The tears gathered in Leo's eyes and rolled over with the movement. Spilled down his cheeks.

Childlike begging. "My Leo… My Leo… Wake up now. My Leo…"

Leo could survive anything. He could survive a knife to the chest. Why was he so still like this? He should move. Wake up and tell him to stop.

And more childish begging. Seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. Beg big brother to come back. Shake a little harder. Pick him up and heave his weight against his chest as his arms hung at his sides. Move him around like a limp ragdoll. Shake the life back into him. Hold his head so that it didn't flop from side to side.

Blood dripped out of Leo's mouth. It had been pooled up in the back of his throat and ran out freely. Raph's guttural screaming echoed all over the lair. Leo couldn't die like that. To be defeated from afar by some bitch, safe in her own bed.

Now Don was yelling at him, trying to take Leo away from him. "What happened?" he demanded, touching Leo all over as if he were trying to slither out of his hands.

"He was calling me…" Raph muttered into Leo's ear, his cheek resting on Leo's cold head. Cuddled him harder before he was forced to let go of him.

And he'd told him to shut up. Leo called him, asking him for help and he told him to shut up. His last words to Leo were, "Shut up."

Mikey cried. That's all he ever does. Cries.

Raph would scream. Anything was better than crying. Don shoved him off the bed and he landed on the floor, still screaming. His lungs collapsed with the pressure and he fell flat on his face, curled up slightly. Listened to Don and Mikey uselessly working on him.

Then Splinter said something. Being nice to him. Holding Mikey and telling him he would be alright, as if that would make Leo alive again somehow.

"Why didn't you come and get me!" Don screamed.

Raph didn't know who he was talking to.

Then Raph felt Don's foot collide with his stomach and he knew he was talking to him.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE GOT ME UP! I COULD HAVE HELPED! I COULD HAVE SAVED HIM! THIS WAS YOUR FAULT!"

Kicked Raph in the head with a scream. Didn't matter.

Splinter grabbed Don and shoved him down onto Leo's bed. "Everyone will be quiet." His voice was thick. Fighting off his own tears. "He is dead now and there is nothing to be done."

Mikey's voice wailed in the others' silence. Raph curled up on the floor, his body instinctually protecting him from the grief radiating from the others. He needed to get away from this. Accusations and crying and Leo's dead eyes.

"Raphael, what happened here?"

Emma.

"Raphael. You will answer me."

It was her fault.

Splinter sat on the floor next to him. Put a hand on his shoulder. "Son, I want you to tell me what happened."

What did he think happened? Leo died. Leo was dead. "I woke up…" And he didn't.

"Can he be even more useless?" Don said, biting out every word to make sure his hatred was clear.

He left. Traveled past his father's protests and Mikey pleading with him to stay. "You can't leave us too!" he cried after him, his grief echoing down the tunnels.

Raph didn't take his bike. Didn't think he should enjoy the trip. Just run. Use his own strength to get there. Vengeance should hurt. It should have a price. He should come out of it only by half. Leave something behind to remember it. After all, vengeance was nothing but a sacrifice in reverse.

He didn't remember the trip. The morning was grey and not quite hot, but sticky. The air thick. His body charged with adrenalin and he couldn't see anything but the red haze that kept everything clear and focused. Kept the task at hand in sight and blocked out the rest.

April. She would cry.

Casey. He would cry too. They all cry.

He would act. He would do something about it.

Splinter cried. Don cried. Mikey cried.

It was selfish and did nothing.

Emma's apartment. He sun came up over the skylight, lighting up the shadows in front of her building, but he didn't care. The sun found him. Pulled out his sais. Carried them in plain view. Dared anybody to come for him. Come and get him. He was ready.

Kicked in her door and it not only flew open, but came off the hinges with the impact and landed on the floor with a crash. He walked straight in. No use for a defensive posture. He wasn't really there for a fight. No time to think about strategy. Just the desired result.

But the carpet was wet. Wet and cold. Red. Full of blood.

All over the bed. Fingerprints smeared on the bathroom doorframe. Spattered on the ceiling. He didn't feel anything in particular. Emma was already dead. Somebody must have torn her guts out and flung them around the room. Emptied out her whole body.

Needed to keep moving. He turned to leave. He would walk until his feet bled and he collapsed.

"_You're going to leave. You'll leave us all behind."_

Leo's voice echoed in his head. Simple and full of pain. Not an accusation. Just a sad statement of future fact.

He headed back towards the lair without thinking. He couldn't leave Leo.


	10. Chapter 10

_Never fear. This isn't going to turn into a grief fest. Action is upcoming and other junk. Tried to think of real funerals and grieving. I see a lot of death stories where they sit around beating their chests and snuggling in hammocks after a death. I can't recall that ever happening in real life. At least in my family. Thankfully. Death is much more boring than that. _

Master Splinter greeted April and Casey as they stood in the entry of the lair, wondering where everyone had gone. It was so quiet and dark. Only lit with candles. Splinter was wearing a black kimono that she had never seen before. "Thank you both for coming. And also thank you for waiting until…"

"You guys needed some time alone. I get that," Casey said. She rubbed his back. He could be so understanding sometimes. Her first instinct was to fly down to the lair and kiss all the boys and ask them if they were okay and look at Leo's precious body before it was gone. But Casey held her back. They needed space, he said.

"Is he in the lab?" she asked, her voice thick from perpetual tears.

"Yes," Splinter said, looking behind him at the doorway. It was open a crack and more soft candlelight shown through. "I am proud of Raphael and the work he has done."

"Work?" she asked.

"It is the duty of the oldest son to do all the funeral preparations. He dressed Leonardo and prepared him and also the candles and the altar and would not accept any help from any of us. For he is now my oldest son." Splinter's eyes glossed over with tears.

Her heart ached. She knew that a ritual bathing was part of the Japanese funeral ritual that Splinter designed in case anything happened to them. And Raph had done it all himself. She couldn't believe it. She expected to find the lair in shreds and Raph gone, never to be heard from again.

Casey took her hand and pulled her towards the lab. She hung back a second. Could she really see Leo's dead body? Sixteen and dead. Casey led the way and pushed open the lab door.

Leo was lying on the lab bed, dressed in a black kimono. He looked nearly angelic, if a green mutant can look angelic. Yes, they can, she thought. One of his katanas lay at his side.

The scientific part of her brain whirred to life and analyzed the slight smell of death in the air, masked by heavy incense and candle smoke. They needed to dispose of the body. It was easy to forget how quickly decay sets in. Most people never really experience death nowadays, she thought. The dead are handed off to a funeral home, embalmed, and put on display for a few hours. Maybe this was better. His brothers cleaning him and taking care of him since the second he died. Maybe it was worse.

April had never seen the boys so quiet. All three of them wore black kimonos identical to Leo's and none of them wore their bandannas. She almost couldn't tell them apart for a second. They sat in kitchen chairs lined up next to the bed. Raph's chair was only inches from the head of the bed. Don on his other side and Mikey at the end. A small table stood nearby covered in white flowers and other small trinkets from Leo's room. A Japanese fan. A print of some water lilies. She giggled through the mucus at the toy soldiers. The candlelight flickered on all of their faces. They looked ancient, like mythological creatures from a primitive dream.

All three sat up straight, staring ahead. Mikey snuffed quietly. Splinter moved past Casey and April as they lingered awkwardly in the doorway, Casey holding his midsection with both arms. Splinter laid his hand on Mikey's shoulder. Don's feet moved slightly under his robe. Raph didn't move in any discernable way. His eyes were half shut as if he could fall asleep sitting up. He was so still and calm. It was terrifying.

April went to Leo's bedside and all three of them followed her with their eyes. She stroked Leo's cold cheek. "Hey, handsome," she said.

Don rose from his chair and stood behind her, patiently waiting for his hug. She held him tightly, glad to feel one of them still warm.

Casey sat in Don's seat and punched Raph on the arm. He only flicked his eyes in his direction and ignored him. Casey couldn't stand silence. He said, "You guys throw a nice funeral. I've never been to a Japanese funeral before. I like it."

Raph growled, "This is a wake, dumbass." Why was he being so rude to Casey? He adored Casey.

"What's the difference?" Casey asked.

"I have to burn him at the funeral. The point of a wake is that we stay awake. We sit with him 'cause he'll be a pile of ashes tomorrow."

Mikey leaned over and said, so quietly that she could barely hear him, "This is our last time with him."

April wanted to hug Raph, but knew that he wouldn't accept it. Don put his arm around her waist and led her out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Snappy robes," she said, wiping her eyes.

He looked down at his kimono and gathered some of the loose material in his hand. "Yeah, we all made them ourselves. They're our funeral clothes." He blinked. "Obviously…"

"How did this happen! He was fine! He was sick, but he was fine!"

Don put his face in his hands and mumbled, "I don't know. I couldn't look. I couldn't… I can't cut him up." His breathing increased steadily with every word until he was crying steadily. "I don't want to know. I know a lot and I try to know things. I want to know everything. But I don't want to look around inside him and see what killed him. I don't want to know some things." He shook his head vigorously. "No, I'm not doing it." He brushed the tears away and breathed deeply a few times.

"How's Raph?"

"Fine… if you define fine as complete and total denial."

She looked back towards the lab. "How did he do all this by himself? I thought he would be devastated. I mean… I thought…"

Don looked at his feet and sighed. "I don't think he even realizes what happened yet. He knows it happened. But I don't think… He's just going through the motions. Doing whatever we tell him. He bathed Leo's body last night. Had to stuff his orifices with cotton."

April covered her mouth and shuddered.

"He'll feel it sooner or later. I don't know what to do when he does. There's no telling what he'll do."

They stared at each other in awkward silence. She knew she should say something comforting, but there was nothing to say. She didn't know if it would be okay. So they both went back into the lab.

Mikey was in Raph's arms, sobbing. Raph held him loosely, his eyes dead, staring straight ahead as if Mikey wasn't there. "I want Leo!" Mikey cried out pathetically into Raph's chest.

"We all do," Casey said, reaching over to pat Mikey's shell.

Mikey's grief was like a contagious disease and sobs burst out of April and Don simultaneously. Casey was on the verge of tears. Raph didn't notice. Still stared ahead over Mikey shoulder, his arm draped over his shell.

Splinter lit a candle that had died out and said, "Now, Michelangelo, you must control your weeping. For Leonardo's sake, remember? It is not good to grieve so hard. It will keep his spirit from rest. It will keep him here with us in our grief."

Mikey sat up, his chest heaving. "I'm… I'm… sorry, Father. I'll try… ha… harder."

Raph said, "We're going to burn him tomorrow. We're going to set him on fire. I have to stay up with him and then burn him tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do Friday."

She reached out and stroked his head. He didn't flinch. Something was seriously wrong with Raph. She said, "Have your cried, sweetheart?" It was such an awkward thing to ask, especially of Raph.

But he had already withdrawn again, staring at the wall. She couldn't stand to be near him and sat on Casey's other side in Mikey's vacated chair. Mikey stood next to the lab bed, holding Leo's hand. Don picked at the flowers on the altar.

And it was silent for an hour.

Splinter spoke and everyone turned to face him, expecting something important. "Raphael, you must water the flowers on the altar before long."

"I'm not watering the flowers." Very evenly. No malice. Just a statement.

"You must or they will wilt by the time of the funeral tomorrow." Splinter seemed too preoccupied to notice his son's insolence.

"I'm not watering the flowers."

He blinked a few times. "You will do as I say."

Raph watched the flowers as if they might jump up and attack him.

Casey said, "Hey, I wondered if I should bring my pictures I took at the farm. There're some good ones of Leo. He looks really cool in some of them. There's one where he has the pitchfork and he's pretending to spike April in the butt."

She leaned forward in her chair, her hands pressed between her knees. "Yeah, he was being pretty frisky that day. That's the day that he almost fell out of the hayloft when Don threw the football at him."

Raph looked up suddenly, as if he had just remembered an appointment. "I'm not watering the flowers."

Splinter's eyes narrowed at him, calculating the purpose behind his refusal. "Why is that, Raphael?"

He looked back at the wall.

"I'll do it," Mikey said, shuffling off towards the table.

Splinter reached out and caught his arm. "It is Raphael's task. He must do it."

Raph looked at the altar and sputtered, "I ain't… ain't… I ain't watering these fucking flowers. I ain't doing this. This is all useless!" He jumped to his feet and with only a few movements he turned over the altar table. The white flowers cascaded to the floor and the table crashed at his feet. "I'M NOT WATERING THESE FUCKING FLOWERS!"

Splinter's ears flattened. "And why is that?"

Raph's voice was high-pitched and fast. She had never heard that tone come out of him before and leaned back in her chair, her knees pressing her hands. "BECAUSE THIS IS ALL USELESS! THIS IS NOTHING! HE'S NOTHING! HIS SPIRIT! HE'S NOTHING BUT GARBAGE THAT WE HAVE TO GET RID OF! I HAD TO SMELL IT ALL DAY!"

Don grumbled in Japanese. Mikey's bloodshot eyes glanced in his direction.

"IT DON'T MATTER WHAT HE WANTED! THIS IS POINTLESS!

"Do you think the spirit is gone then, Raphael?" Splinter asked, in a steady voice. "Well, it does not matter what you think."

April looked curiously to Casey, who shrugged. It sounded so heartless. Completely unlike Splinter.

He said, "You know that these were Leonardo's wishes. He asked for these things. I have chosen you to have the honor of preparing him for whatever journey he is now on. He asked for so little for himself in life. We should give him what he wanted in death."

Raph's eyes dulled again. Retreated into himself. He knelt down and scraped the flowers off the floor slowly, his hands going over the same clean tracts of floor repeatedly.

* * *

April stayed for the wake. She couldn't leave them and sent Casey home, knowing he was uncomfortable. The quiet grieving. It wasn't his style. He didn't understand it. "They need their mother," he said, with a half-smile as he kissed her goodnight. He tried to engage Raph several more times and barely got an acknowledgement. He gave Mikey a man hug and thumped Don's arm on the way. Respectfully shook Splinter's hand. She felt like calling him back as soon as he left the room, but didn't say anything.

They moved another kitchen chair into the lab for her and put it in the row on Mikey's other side. Splinter meditated in the dojo.

"Why isn't he in here?" she asked Mikey.

Raph scoffed and they all looked down the line at him. "He's trying to talk to Leo. Go ahead. All he'll do is lie."

Don rubbed his eyes. "Lie?"

But he was quiet again. Watching the unmoving wall.

She had to say it. It would make them all cry. But she had to say it. "I keep thinking that I need to talk to Leo. I have this hurt…" She put her hand to her heart inarticulately. "And I always need to ask Leo because he's my big brother and he always knows what to do. But…"

Mikey actually smiled. "He's the one causing the hurt and he's not here to ask."

The clock ticked. Something in the lab made a small pop as the air cooled. Raph said, "Any of you going to talk at the funeral tomorrow?"

"I will," she said. "What about you?"

"I have to. It's my job."

Don looked into his lap and wrung the material of his kimono in his hands. "I don't think I want to. I'll just tell him… I'll talk to him…" Tears fell.

"I wish I could kill that bitch," Raph said. "Cut her up with his katana."

"You can't do that," Don said. "It was an accident."

"How do we know what it was!" Mikey said. "You wouldn't even look! We don't know what he had!"

"Do you want me to look?" she asked. She didn't want to look. Please don't make her examine him.

"Don't matter," Raph said. "You guys should go eat."

Don and Mikey mindlessly obeyed him. No energy to argue. April followed, although she had no desire to eat. She hung back and shut the door with the sole purpose of watching through the crack in the wood.

As soon as the door shut, Raph's eyes left the wall and went to Leo. He stood up and laced their hands together, imitating a grip.

"We got a big day tomorrow, Fearless," he said. Flat. No emotion. "You're such a fucking liar. Maybe you don't keep your promises. But I do." He smoothed out the front of Leo's kimono. "Better look good." He muttered under his breath in Japanese. Then he did the most unexpected thing. He leaned down and kissed Leo on the forehead and sat down and stared at the floor, sighing. Totally still and dead again. She blinked. Had he ever shown that much affection to Leo? To anyone? Trust Raph to kiss his loved ones only after they were dead.

Mikey spooned soggy cereal in a bowl and leaned on his hand while Don chewed slowly. "Think Leo's with our ancestors of the Hamato clan like Sensei says?" Mikey asked. "Like he's wandering around on a cloud with Master Yoshi and Tang Shen and everybody. Bossing them around and telling them not to walk too close to the clouds' edge because they could fall off or be seen by a Jet or something."

"I don't know," Don said with his mouthful.

"Or do you think maybe he's still with us," Mikey said. He let the cereal plop off his spoon and into his milk. "You know, watching out for us like an uptight guardian angel. Shaking his head and making that tisk sound between his teeth that drives me up the wall." Tears gathered in her eyes again. He still hadn't learned to refer to Leo in past tense.

April said, snuffing, "Well, I would be worried that he was following me around and judging me all the time. He'd be able to see all the stuff I could hide from him when he was alive. He'd know that I don't really recycle. I just put stuff in the little recycle bins and then toss it in the garbage."

Don kicked her playfully under the table. "I'm telling."

"I think I'll make his favorite food for tomorrow. I should do that." Mikey leaned his chin in his hands and his eyes woke up a little. More alive.

April gave his wrist a squeeze since she couldn't reach his hand. "That's a sweet idea, but I don't think any of us will want to eat much."

They both finished their cereal while she watched them slowly eat, trying to remember the last time she saw Leo eating cereal. Maybe she could have his green tea bags. Put them in her clothes drawer and make her clothes smell like him.

"We should get out Leo's phone and invite Emma. She was in love with him, I guess. It was her sex that killed him after all," Mikey said, in a groaning voice, pouting out his lip at the prospect.

Don's spoon clinked as he finished. "I tried. Nobody answered. It's weird to think… he was in love and somebody loved him."

"Of course somebody loves him," April said. "We all loved him. And we're all here. Where is she?" Her arms and legs shook and she crossed her legs and arms to hide it. "If she loves him so much, she should answer when he calls. Or call him back after she sleeps with him. I think she was just a user. She took advantage of him and his innocence."

Mikey rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, April, but we aren't five years old. He's a big boy."

Don yawned. "Yeah, he knew how babies are made. At least human babies. I wonder if she got pregnant if she'd lay eggs or have a baby or maybe lay a baby or lay one really big egg."

"Maybe she's pregnant!" Mikey said, sitting up straight. "Maybe she's knocked up and that's why she won't answer. And then in a few years she'll wander down here to the lair with his kid and say she's too sick to care for him and tell us to raise him as our own and his name is Leon, after Leo and then she'll die. And we'll adopt him and raise him."

Don said, "I haven't slept too well since it happened…"

Mikey sank in his chair as he was ignored.

"…I mean since Leo got laid, not since he died. I keep dreaming about this big black bird coming to get me. I don't know if it's because Raph told me to look it up or if it was some kind of foreboding. Like I was subconsciously thinking something bad would happen."

Mikey gathered up their bowls and put them quietly in the sink.

"Maybe it was an omen," she said. "Maybe a death omen. Why did Raph want you to look it up?"

He shrugged. "I forgot. I'll look it up after the funeral."

And they went back to the lab and found Raph sitting in his chair, with Leo's katana across his lap.


	11. Chapter 11

_Trying to be in death mode again. Don't ask why Mikey can see all the way in the lab when he's in the bathroom. I don't know. hehe_

Don straightened his kimono collar and checked his face in the mirror. Mikey wondered why. It wasn't like Leo would see the difference. Raph was in the lab, straightening Leo's kimono again. Mikey bit his lip, holding in tears. The compulsive straightening. It was all Raph could do. Make Leo look pretty for his going away party. No screaming. No yelling. Not even a tear. No screaming since the initial screams. Poor Raphie. Sitting on the floor next to his bed, bellowing out a death knell.

Splinter and April were on the couch staring at the news. Mikey could barely hear the newscaster. They weren't listening. Just needed to feel occupied. Every few minutes April looked towards the door. No Casey.

Every few minutes Don checked out the door, looking at her. Waiting for her to fall apart and cry so he could run in and comfort her.

"I wrote my eulogy," Mikey said, hoping to distract Don from his fruitless and inappropriate exercise. He sat on the toilet seat like a chair, watching Don primp. It was better than watching Raph primp their beloved corpse.

"Is it good?" Don asked. "Sorry. I mean… how'd it go…"

"Want me to read it?" He pulled the folded up yellow legal pad paper out of his kimono.

Don sat on the bathroom floor at full attention, folding the cloth under his legs to keep as much skin as possible off the floor. "Shoot."

He cleared his throat. "Okay, this isn't the final draft. We still have about three hours and I'm tired. I'm going to give it another run through or…"

Don nodded. He didn't care about writing or editing.

"Okay…" He hesitated and felt like rushing into the lab, whispering it in Leo's ear, and then hiding in his bed until the cremation was over. "Okay. Leo was our leader. He was the greatest ninja I've ever met and I've met some great ninjas. I'm one of them…"

Don giggled and then waved at him to continue.

"But Leo was always striving, that's passive, ugh…" He looked up at Don.

"What?"

"Nothing." Why did he go to the trouble? Nobody cared if he wrote well or not. "Leo strove to be the best and I think we all kind of hated him for that. He was always better at everything." He paused, looking over the paper at Don for a reaction. Nothing much. "Well, I could bore everybody silly listing his professional résumé, but I won't. He was a great ninja, but he was a better brother. At least most of the time. I wasn't always really fond of how he would fart under the covers and shove our heads underneath…"

April's hair swished over the back of the couch as she turned around to yell, "That isn't true!"

Don called over his shoulder, "How do you know! He never did it to you!"

Mikey smiled. Some happiness at last. "But he did better things as a brother. When we were all little he used to call us "little one" because that's what our father called us all. And I remember he would say, 'Don't be scared, little one.' And I remember that he was always scared too, you know. He wasn't extraordinarily brave as a kid. He just always thought we needed to think he was for psychological reasons or something. Especially Raph. Gee whiz. If ever a kid could die from fear, it was him." Mikey had planned a break in the eulogy for an angry outburst at this point. The originator of the anger was out of ear shot for the time being and he kept going. "And we would always go to sleep and curl up together because it was so cold."

"Yeah, I remember that," Don said with a half smile of reminiscence. "On that old blue mattress. You peed on it a lot."

"Did not. Anyway. We must have looked like a big green ball. And I remember that we always heard those noises because it was dark and we didn't have light and he would always say, 'Don't worry. I'll kill 'em good if they get near us.'"

"Yeah, and he always sounded so scared."

April leaned in the doorway, drawn by the story. "Kill what?"

"Oh, the rats and bugs and things that used to crawl on us at night. Most of the time they stayed on top of the blankets, but sometimes they got inside. Leo used to toss rats around at night like hairy little footballs."

"That's awful!" She looked truly horrified and Mikey blushed with shame. He forgot that their upbringing was so outside the norm.

"It wasn't too bad," he said, recovering almost instantly from his blush. "We had lots of pets." He looked down at his paper and knit his brow. "I want to segue way into adulthood now. I don't have one so I'll say, 'Speaking of being an adult… That's what Leo was about twelve years later…'"

His audience laughed on cue.

"Leo was really devout and he believed in good. I mean, he wanted us all to be good like him. He wasn't perfect. I think we all wanted to think of his as being perfect, but he had plenty of faults. He wanted to be perfect too and he worked so hard for it. He worked until he was so exhausted that he cried sometimes. And there was so much to do. Especially when we were all a little younger. We didn't go topside much and we still never had anything, but we were bigger and we needed more and we knew that we didn't have anything. It made everything that much worse, you know. He trained so much harder than us. He knew that's what our lives were meant for and he was doing it for us. I think he knew that our lives would always be hard and pretty brutal, even then when we were all relatively safe. He was so tired and he cried or kind of yelled at us and we picked on him and told him he was no fun. I know I'll always regret that. I mean, I'm sixteen now. When I'm fifty I'll look back on that and wish I had done something else. I made fun of him when I should taken care of him, you know." He wadded up the paper in his hands, no longer reading. "He just wanted some peace in life and he was in the wrong business for that. It's hard to have a peaceful life when you live with three asshole brothers who are such… But maybe he has that now. I mean, he's probably with the ancestors. I want to think that it's quiet and warm and there's lots of sunlight. And no rats or bugs or things crawling on him in the night and no people who want to kill for no reason. Nobody knew what he was really like. People should have known him. He should have been better loved, especially by us…"

April and Don were crying. Don nodded in quick jerky movements.

"Anyway, that's all I got…" He wiped his own eyes.

And then Raph stepped out from next to the door frame. Had he been there the whole time?

"What did you think, Raph?" April asked him. She smoothed out his kimono sleeves as a pretense to touch him. She did that a lot when she worried about them. She touched them and sometimes kissed them. Mikey was glad. He didn't think he had enough hugs and kisses in his life. Raph wasn't so fond of it. But he didn't react.

Raph said, "Yeah, I heard. He might be with the ancestors. Might not be anyway and lucky for him. Who'd want to spend eternity with Hamatos? Just carrying on about dying for honor and shit like that forever. They probably just sit around a tea table bragging about how they got themselves killed." Mikey could see Splinter's ears rotating in offense. "Probably in some dark little hole with no windows. That's cozy and peaceful too. Real familiar. Get out of here. I need to use the john."

They all hesitantly left the room. Mikey wondered if this was some kind of bizarre display of affection. Did anybody else do that or what is a Hamato family aberration? They hovered outside the door like three moths around a lamp. Maybe it came from growing up in the dark. Or from ninjitsu. Something unseen was a danger, even if it was your brother pissing on the other side of the door.

* * *

Only half an hour until the funeral. Raph's hand lay over Leo's chest, feeling for a nonexistent heartbeat or breath. They were all waiting for Mt. Raphael to erupt at any minute. For his grief to explode out of him like lava. Raph was going to carry Leo's body out into the preselected tunnel, put him on the pyre and douse him in accelerants. Then light him on fire. Mikey didn't believe it would happen. Raph couldn't do that to Leo. He loved him so fiercely. How could he burn him?

"What are you going to say?" Mikey asked. He desperately hoped that Raph had prepared his eulogy. Public speaking wasn't one of his strong points and he knew that a nervous speech from Raph would make everyone else nervous. Emotions are contagious. Someone needed to counterbalance Raph's negative energy and Leo wasn't there to do it anymore. It was all up to him. He didn't mind. It was so much easier to think of something positive that had been overlooked. Thinking of the dark side was too much work.

Raph shrugged. "Didn't think about it. Think I can talk about how all that foul black water kept running out of him when I was washing him?"

Casey looked down, scratching his head. Checked his cell phone to avoid answering.

"Ew! That's disgusting! Don't say that!" Visuals embedded themselves too easily in Mikey's mind. He didn't want to see this.

Raph stroked Leo's chest now. Something was happening. "Why not?"

"Because we don't want to hear about it. Nobody needs to know that."

Casey said, "It might make April sick."

Raph kept stroking Leo's chest and muttered, "Yeah, because we need more worrying about keeping her ass safe to make our lives complete."

Mikey leaned back in shock for a second. Raph said some nasty and harsh things, but he was always so respectful of April. She was his princess up high in a tower.

Casey took a step towards Raph, his arms crossed. "You want to say that again, pal?"

"He's so cold." Raph's hand stopped and then reached inside Leo's kimono, resting on his plastron. "Just as cold as when I woke up. I keep thinking he's getting colder. And he still don't look right. I wanted him to look right. He's not looking so much the same." Babbling. Just talking to fill the space. That was usually Mikey's job. His eyes watered, wondering what awful things were running through Raph's mind. "He was a warrior, you know. He shouldn't have gone down like this. A couple of weeks ago he was fighting this big Purple Dragon guy and the guy went into a building. And then he actually hears the guy in the other room on the other side of the wall and stuck him through the dry wall. He was a legend, man…"

And then it was over. Quiet again. Whatever Raph blocked out had faded into the background. He said, "I need this to be done with. What the fuck's taking so long with them? As soon as this is over I'm hitting the dojo."

"Splinter's having a private convo with April and Don." Casey stood next to Raph, staring down at their legend. It was a gesture of brotherhood. Mikey knew he should join them, but he couldn't. He fell down into his seat and covered his eyes.

Every minute was exponentially harder than the last.

* * *

Splinter opened the lab door, his whiskers hanging. The hinges squeaked and Mikey's head shot up, his cheeks wet and warm from the silent tears. Splinter stood aside and let April and Don in the room. An ill omen. Don stepped forward, forcing his head up high. April lingered behind him, grinding a toe of her shoe into the floor.

"I have something to tell all of you," Master Splinter said. "There will be no funeral today."

"No funeral?" Raph asked, yanking his hand out of Leo's kimono. "Why the hell not?"

"Language, Raphael," Splinter said, running his hand over his face. Mikey would hug his father when the discussion was over. He needed it. "I have decided that it would be wise to put the funeral on hold until Donatello and April have performed a medical examination."

Mikey took a step towards the door, his arms heavy and tired as he moved. "Want us to leave the room?"

"We can't do it now," Don said. His eyes were fused on Mikey, avoiding Raph. "I don't have all the equipment for an autopsy. I mean, I don't really know what to do or what to look for. It's not like I'm a doctor. But I think I might have to take him to a medical facility… Maybe I could find some ultra sound equipment…"

"We're doing this now," Raph growled. His hand wrapped around Leo's wrist. "I ain't letting you cut him up."

Don stuttered, "You… you don't have a choice, Raph. This is important. I see it now. I couldn't do it at first. But we need to know…"

"AIN'T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH INDIGNITY! NOW WE HAVE TO CHOP UP HIS GUTS AND HAVE A LOOK AROUND?" Raph's body language was all wrong. Turned in. No grand gestures and swagger. His arms were around his rib cage now, shoulders hunched.

April took a step around Don and said, "We aren't doing it for our own amusement. I need to know what happened to protect the rest of you. We need to find a way to preserve him. Do you guys have a freezer?"

Mikey's hands and feet went numb. Should he cry? Didn't seem like a crying event. Should he yell? Not really. "In that tunnel where we used to keep the 4-wheeler," he said automatically.

"No, no, no…" Raph said, his hands on the sides of his head. "This isn't going to happen. You can't stuff him into a freezer like a piece of meat."

Splinter slammed his cane into the floor to gain everyone's attention. "There is no other choice, Raphael. You will not cremate him for many days."

High pitched and breathy. "Many days? Many days? If you want to have a look around, then look…" He pulled back Leo's kimono and Mikey instinctually looked away. He knew what must be there. What was gnawing into Raph's mind.

Casey said, "Holy shit, Raph… What…" He left the room, his hand over his mouth.

"Raph…" Don said weakly.

He was attacking them with their bother's body.

"Put his robe back together at once!" Splinter commanded.

April asked, "Has decay already set in? Why is just… there?"

Raph laughed. Mikey wanted to follow Casey out of the room. But he had to stay. "Happened when I cleaned him. Made the job easier. He just flaked apart. Guess he wasn't kidding when he said he was in pain. He literally started falling apart. You ever had your brother's skin fall off in your hands?"

"Yes," Mikey said. How many times had he held Raph's torn skin in his hands, desperately lacing it back together? "You act like you're the only one to lose him. Like you need to punish us all because we don't deserve to mourn like you do."

Raph's eyes burned. The fire was lighting.

Mikey wanted a fight. It was better than this evil quiet and stillness. It was deceptive. It was a convenient illusion that everything was alright when they were surrounded by wrong. Kept them safely in their life boat, surrounded by the sea of pain.

Raph bit out, "It's typical that you would think so much of yourselves. I did everything. EVERYTHING!"

April jumped and yelped.

"WHAT HAVE ANY OF YOU DONE? JUST SAT AROUND AND CRIED LIKE FUCKING BABIES! I HAD TO HOLD HIM AND WASH HIM AND DRESS HIM AND NOW YOUR TELLING ME IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!" He ran out of breath and lurched forward as he gasped in another lungful of air for another scream. His voice shredded itself raw with the volume. "I HURT HIM SO MUCH." The air left his lungs in a loud gush. "I can't let nobody hurt him! I won't let you touch him! I'll kill anybody that tries!" A desperate sob. Finally. "He was hurting so bad and I did nothing."

The air was still with the pain resonating from him. His grief infected them all. And then it stopped. His tears choked back, drowned under the stillness again. Raph rushed out of the room and nobody stopped him. Not even his father. Mikey heard the sound of metal clanking as Raph gathered up his weapons and slammed the front door.

"And then there were two…" Mikey said.

* * *

The freezer was a snug fit. Don tied the kimono around Leo to make sure that it didn't fall open in front of Mikey, Casey and Master Splinter. Why had Raph done that? They were all scarred for life. The image of the missing skin around his thighs and the black dead tissue. Don's stomach ached at the mental display. But how could he grudge Raph? This ate into his mind for days. True Raph. Keep it to yourself until your mind gives way and bleeds out.

Mikey sniffed. He held it together well. He was so much stronger than they gave him credit for. "He won't fit," Mikey grunted as they awkwardly tried to shove Leo into the freezer in the most dignified manner they could afford.

Casey wanted to help, but Don said he wasn't needed. It was bad enough that they had to do it in the first place. "You should look for Raph," Mikey said. "I know he's kind of impossible to find if he wants to be hidden, but somebody has to try. I'd go but I need to stay here with Sensei. He's real upset by all that."

"Mikey," Don muttered. Sensei's mental state was nobody's business.

So Casey left on his snipe hunt. April forced him to stay behind for a while and Don tried to eavesdrop, but Mikey's grunts covered up her words.

Last week Leo was in his lover's arms, in the throes of whatever you are in when you make love. Now he was dead, rotting from the inside out and shoved into a freezer. Raph was right. They had just robbed Leo of his last shred of dignity. He was so powerful. Just a week ago. He was a legend. Now he was a corpse.

* * *

Put the kerosene to good use. Raph took off the gasoline can cap and poured it onto Emma's bed. That's where it happened. That's where she killed Leo.

The bitch's blood crusted the carpet and it crunched under his feet. The sheets stained brown, originally white. He wanted Emma to live. He wanted to look in her eyes and watch the lights go out.

But if not, then he would have to settle for burning down the rest of the world, starting with this place. He was going to watch something burn tonight.

The last drops fell from the last can. All eight cans. The kerosene soaked up between his toes as he walked, splashing as he stumbled towards the door. Wetness between his toes just like his last visit. His hands shook so that he couldn't light the match.

But then the match burned on the carpet and he moved. Traveled out the window as the house burned to life. Blazed orange and the heat and smoke drifted towards him. It was a comforting destruction. Landed in a half kneel on the pavement and sprinted towards the river. Hid under the dock and felt the heat. Listened to the sirens.

But nothing changed. The poison trapped inside didn't move. This wasn't the way. He moved through the water, sending out ripples and headed towards the sewer drain in the bank. This wasn't it. Find another way. He felt the hilts of his sais for reassurance. Both still there. About to get some use.

* * *

"What are these files on your desktop?" Mikey asked, yawning.

Don leaned down behind him, squinting at the computer screen. "Lilith? It's a webpage. I don't know what it is. Maybe it was Leo's or Raph's. Open it."

Mikey double clicked the icon and the webpage opened. A picture of a naked woman with black horns filled the screen.

"Funny thing to read in your spare time," Don muttered. "I don't know why one of them had it. Lilith was supposed to have been Adam's first wife until she flew out of the Garden of Eden and turned into a Succubus. Delete it."

Mikey dragged it to the recycle bin. It was the last thing he wanted to read.


	12. Chapter 12

_Taking a chance on this chapter. I can't resist because it looks so cool in my head. For the record, this was hard and may look really weird. I'm adding an endnote because it's kind of a spoiler. So skip to the end first, if you're burning with curiosity. Sorry if it's too bizarre, spiritual and/or mushy for anyone's taste. I like jumping out of the box. And as for OOC comments in general. I do it on purpose, so don't bother telling me._

Raph's death came quickly. He'd always expected it to. No lingering illness in a bed. A swift chop to the head and that was it. That's the way he wanted it to end. Just a rush of blood and pain and adrenaline. Like most of his life.

There weren't all that many of them. They weren't even good fighters. But he was already bleeding. He let his kimono hang open, the ties cut from a previous fight. His knuckles bled and his grip on Leo's katana slipped.

The katana weakened him. He couldn't hold it. Just chopped like a machete. None of the grace of its former owner. It met the meat of his opponents arm and slashed through, the limb falling heavily on the pavement. There wasn't a scream. Maybe there was. He didn't really care enough to listen.

Blood from at least a dozen enemies encrusted his body, most of them now lying in their own blood in other alleys. But Raph's blood now ran red and fresh over the brown cracked crust on his arms and chest. Even his face. He could feel the blood caked to his cheeks as he shouted. Hadn't said a coherent word for days. His sounds didn't qualify as screams or his usual articulated growls. Just varying vocalizations that meant nothing. The pitch rose and fell as he swung his numbed limbs through the air.

The black alley exploded in white. His cheek hit the pavement as blood oozed down his face and into his eyes from the top of his head.

And he knew it was his last moment. He wanted to use it to kill these fuckers for killing him. But he couldn't move. And in the split second stab of fear before death he thought: I never told any of them I love them.

He closed his eyes. Didn't want to look at the one who killed him and give him the satisfaction of seeing his last thoughts in his eyes. The last electrical impulses of his brain exploded into shame and panic. His failure to live. What a cowardly act.

* * *

Death was warm. The place he was in. Green grass and orange star-shaped leaves covered the ground. An open meadow of green and the trees blew slightly in the breeze. The leaves dripped from the trees and sprinkled on the ground. Soft grass rolled in little hills around a stream full of glistening rocks.

"Hey." The voice was familiar and full of quiet happiness. A smiling voice.

Raph turned. Someone leaned against the trunk of the tree, his knees drawn up to his chest, watching him with the innocent curiosity of a child.

"Do I know you?" Raph asked.

The familiar stranger knitted his brow and said, "I think so. You're my brother. You're Raphael. Come here and sit with me and I'll hold you."

Raph obediently sat at Leo's side and let him put an around his shoulders. And Leo was warm and blood moved in his veins and his chest moved as he breathed. Not only was he alive, but he looked better. No scars. No smell. Older. He looked older. But not worn. Had he met Leo before? He was full of affection for him, but didn't understand why. There was no reason to choke it back and he leaned against him.

"You're staring," Leo said, no hint of an accusation. "Do I look so different?"

"Yeah." Raph ran his hand along Leo's plastron, looking for a scar. Perfectly smooth. "You look great. I almost wouldn't recognize you."

"Look at you!" Leo said, his eyes widening with astonishment.

Raph looked down at his hands. His skin didn't even look like his own. The color was so much brighter and smooth. None of the little quilted scars. Raph pulled himself away from Leo and stooped down at the water's edge to see his reflection. He looked the same. But his eyes were brighter and softer. No gaping scars.

"So what happened?" Leo asked. "Why are you here? Something must have happened."

Nothing occurred to him. Something bad had happened to him, but it wasn't important now. He sat back down against the tree. He wanted to feel the warmth in his brother's limbs for some reason as if it were a precious commodity. "I don't know. What happened to you?"

Leo squinted in thought and said, "I'm not sure. I don't think I was happy about it though. I didn't know you until I saw you. You're Raphael." He smiled sweetly and leaned his cheek on his shoulder. "I thought you were real. But I wasn't sure. I'm glad you're here."

Raph patted his brother on the arm. No reason for embarrassment now. The evil had been cleansed out of them. Whatever came before was just an unnatural joke. They were back at the beginning where they should be and Raph was glad that he couldn't remember it. But he was still curious about the new and familiar surroundings. "Where are we?"

"Oh!" Leo sat up straight, full of excitement. "This is the land of our ancestors! You didn't know? I knew it right away." He laughed at Leo's eagerness and childlike pride. "Do you want to play in the stream?" He pointed to the clear running water. Orange leaves slowly danced in circles in the current. "Sometimes I catch frogs. I like frogs because they're green like me."

This was the great warrior Leonardo. All cuddles and play. It was the peaceful existence he'd always longed for and never received. A lazy life, lying by the water, smelling the grass.

"Where are the ancestors?" Raph asked. He scanned the meadow that drifted into the brilliantly setting sun. All Technicolor orange and pink and purple. "The place should be jumping with Hamatos right?"

"Oh, they're all back at the house. Come on." He took Raph's hand and led him along. "You'll meet Master Yoshi and Tang Shen. She'll like you. I don't know who wouldn't." Leo looked back at him as he pulled him along, his eyes full of easy affection.

Raph stopped walking and pulled his hand away gently. "Why are we different than before? Something happened. I know it did. I don't know what…"

"Does it matter?" Leo shrugged. "I thought so too at first. But I don't really care. I mean…" He looked into the sunset for a second and said, "I'm so happy that it doesn't matter. Whatever came before this can't be nearly as good. I think my life was full of evil and pain and heartache, whatever that is. I can't even remember. Can you?"

He tried to remember pain. "No. I can't say that I do. I guess you're right." Leo laughed and took his hand again, leading him towards the house. Elegant red and white pagoda houses wound in and out of the trees in the distance.

* * *

Raph had never known such wonderful people. He must have known people before. But none of them were all that good or friendly. Most people had been bad to him. He wasn't sure what that meant exactly, but Master Yoshi had assured him that he had nothing to fear from them, as if expecting him to cower. He instantly declared that he could never be afraid of any of them.

Leo knelt next to him at the table, smiling gently in contentment. All sweetness. He looked at Raph sometimes to soak him in. Nudged him with his elbow as he sipped his tea.

"So this is your brother?" Yoshi said to Leo. "Your Master has raised you well. You are a good hearted man, Raphael. Full of love and passion."

"Thank you, Sensei," Raph said. He swallowed more food. He didn't know what it was and didn't bother to ask. He knew all the food would be good. "Why do we eat, Master Yoshi?"

Master Yoshi smiled as if he were a precocious child. "We eat to taste. If you do not care to experience the food, then do not feel obliged to eat."

"I always eat," Shen said with a sparkling smile. It was like looking into a porcelain face and finding two bright stars instead of eyes. "I also sleep quite a bit. Yoshi teases me for it."

He laughed at his mistress.

"Where are we?" Raph asked. "Did I come from somewhere else? And I know all of you, but I don't remember you."

"Do not worry about your questions," Yoshi said. "You may want to sleep tonight. You can enjoy the nighttime play another time." He looked over at Leo, whose mouth was open, as if he were about to say something.

"I'd like to sleep." Raph tried to feel tired, but it didn't happen. "Where do I go?"

"I'll show you," Leo said, jumping to his feet. "I'll sleep too. Good night, Master Yoshi. Shen." Leo bowed to them both and Raph followed him down the hall.

Leo led the way, again pulling him by the hand and glancing back at him every few steps as if he couldn't get enough of his face. He pushed back a paper covered door. There was a large bed covered in pillows and blankets. "It never gets cold here," Leo said, pulling the covers back and ushering him in. Raph slid into the bed and thought it was the most comfortable thing he'd ever experienced. That was strange, since he didn't think he'd ever used a bed before. "Good night," Leo said, leaning down on the bed. "We'll go out and play in the moonlight tomorrow night."

He left the room and pulled the door back. Raph could see Leo's silhouette moving to another room through the lamplight. He fell asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.

* * *

Somebody shined a flashlight in Raph's face. The pavement was wet and hot and his body shuddered in agony. He wanted to be asleep. Or somewhere else. This should stop somehow. Someone moved his head back and forth and the touch felt like a violation. He didn't want them to touch him anymore. He'd been defeated. Just go away. His arms and legs jerked out of his control as his brain misfired over and over.

Don's brittle voice said, "Damn it, keep him from moving, April." Sounded like he was holding something in his teeth.

Female sobs as his limbs were clutched in weak hands. It did nothing to stop the tremors. Get off. Go away.

"He's having a seizure," Mikey said in a high pitched and rushed voice. Mikey always liked to state the obvious when he had nothing to say. Couldn't let silence linger. Had to fill the air with words to feel better. If communication ended then the world might end with it. Raph knew that about him and hated it. Saying it made it real.

"Raph?" Don asked loudly, staring into his eyes. Brown eyes dilated with strain. All the pressure on him. "Can you hear me? You're having a seizure. You hit your head."

April screamed, "That's an understatement! He's dying!" Maybe he was already dead and this wasn't at all real.

"You might feel some pressure in your head. If there's internal hemorrhaging on your brain, then I'll have trephinate. Okay. Just relax. Can you tell me if it hurts?"

His body convulsed and a wave of pain seared through. He groaned as quietly as he could, but pain still exhaled from him.

"Squeeze my hand if it hurts," Mikey said. "It's okay. Those guys that hurt you are all dead now. I took care of them for you. I can't let anymore of my brothers die. So just… cut this out and stop fucking around…" His voice collapsed as tears overtook him.

* * *

Raph awoke in the silken bed, screaming. He sat up and cried, "Leo!"

He instantly rolled back the door and sat on the bed next to him. "What's wrong?"

"I'm so scared," Raph said. "I was in pain. Others… I don't know… I knew them and they were all scared and it made me hurt."

Leo put his arms around him and Raph hid his face in his neck. Leo said, "Don't worry, Little One. There's nothing here to hurt you. There's no pain. I love you and I'll always keep you safe."

Raph pushed him aside and wiped his wet face. The pain had been so overwhelmingly real. "I think the same of you."

"I should stay then," Leo said solemnly, climbing under the covers. "If you're hurting. I should take care of you."

Leo rolled to face Raph, smoothing out his forehead and drying his cheeks with his fingers before closing his eyes and falling asleep. He moved his hand so that the back of his palm rested against Raph's chest. Raph didn't sleep, but watched Leo all night, admiring his bliss.

* * *

All of the stars shone brighter here. They filled the sky so that there was barely any dark in it. The ground lit up with a faint grey moon glow. "This is beautiful," Raph said. "Why did you let me sleep through it last night?"

Leo laughed at his naivety. "There will always be another night, Raph. I'm going to run now. Try to keep up!"

"Try?" Raph said with incredulity as Leo sprung off in a silent streak through the moss carpeted forest like a green gazelle, dodging the tall limbless trees. Raph chased after him, effortlessly running at top speed. They ran through the trees and into open grasslands of yellow and then through a rocky country full of ferns and small white flowers. He could barely keep himself from stopping every few feet.

Raph caught up with Leo. He grabbed him around the waist and they tumbled over each other on the ground and then stay where they lay, looking up at the sky, their shells not inhibiting their comfort in the slightest.

"I'm truly happy," Leo said.

Raph had something on his mind. He could barely tell what it was, but it buzzed in his head and wouldn't let go. "Who are the others that love us?"

"Master Yoshi and Shen and the others?"

"No. They aren't here. But they love us and they hurt." A yellow butterfly landed on Raph's hand and he brought it closer to his face, watching its wings work slowly.

Leo was quiet. "I don't know. I don't think there are any others. I think it's just us."

They watched the sky in silence and total contentment until the sun rose and the stars faded into the grey sky and then watched for a greater part of the day, just as happy as the first minute they lay down on the ground.

* * *

The water was as warm as bathwater and the force of the waterfall wouldn't harm them. They both knew it and Raph sat on the shore, looking into the lake as Leo swam in the wake of the waterfall, the water rushing over him. The lake lit up with fish of all colors. Raph stuck his fingers in occasionally and sometimes they swam up and brushed against his hand.

Leo paddled towards him, gesturing for him to join him in the deep water. Raph instantly obeyed and swam out to him. The rocks on the bottom were clean and comfortable.

Raph splashed him in the face as soon as he was near. But Leo motioned for him to come close. His face looked different. He didn't know why. Leo wasn't smiling. He put his arms around Raph, but not in the tight and eager embraces he'd grown used to. It was careful. "I have to say something to you."

"Why? I want to swim. We can talk later."

"No, we can't." It was quiet in his ear. Leo pulled back and looked into his eyes, soft and sad. Raph liked looking in Leo's eyes and waited happily for his speech. Maybe Leo had some new joy to show him. Some new thing to play. "I have to say that no matter how things seem, I love you. I love…" Leo blinked a few times in confusion. "What I left. I don't know what it was, but I was loved so well… I think I don't miss anything. I'm happy here. I don't want you to miss me."

A little flicker of worried ignited. "Miss you?" Raph's voice rose into a babble. "You're not leaving. I can't… I won't allow it. I forbid it. You're staying here. I'm not going to be without you."

Leo cut him off and said, "Do you love me?"

He was answered with nothing but the sound of the waterfall and then Leo looked down into the water for a while as if searching for words. "I promise I won't leave you," he said.

Raph held Leo tightly, his worry erased. Of course it was pointless to worry here. Nothing bad could happen to them. "See, don't be sad like this. Everything's fine."

Leo pulled him away and said, "This is important and you have to listen to me." His face changed. Full of power and imperious authority. Raph shrank in his aura. "If anyone hurts you… I will find them and kill them. No one hurts anything that I love. It may seem at times that things are too difficult to bear. But I won't let anything harm you. I want you to promise me that you will do all you can to preserve what I love because you love me. Swear it, Little One."

There was nothing he could refuse him and he said, "I promise, my Leo. Why are you scaring me like this?"

The innocence and sweetness was gone. He was nothing but the warrior Hamato Leonardo. "I was killed by a demon named Lilith and it is up to you to destroy her in my name. Do it for me. She's the parasite the devoured my body. I want you to draw her blood for me."

He cringed away from him in fear, gliding away in the water. Leo caught his hands and pulled him back. "You must promise this now."

"Yeah. Okay."

All of the authority drained from him and he smiled sweetly again. He said, "Please try to be happy."

* * *

Raph's whole body was on fire. Was he on fire? No, he was in an alley and not on fire. But probably injured since Don, Mikey and April were all covered in his blood. Where was Leo? Hadn't he just been here a second ago?

"Leo?" he asked, looking vaguely around the alley as far as his eyes could swivel.

Mikey's chest heaved with ragged breathing and he said, "He's gone, remember. He's dead."

Of course Leo was dead. How had he forgotten? The world seemed so harsh and dark now. Dirty. He felt heavy. Like he was chained down to the earth against his will and wanted to break free from an encumbrance that he couldn't identify. If only he could make it light again the way it should be. The amber fields and white flowers and warm rushing waterfall and Leo guiding him along by the hand.

April stroked his head and a jolt of electric suffering shot through his head, splitting it. He screamed out, unable to contain it and his voice echoed through the alley. "I'm so sorry!" April said. She sounded like she was choking. "It's okay, honey. You'll be okay. Don worked a miracle. He got you back."

Raph stared up at his brother's tearstained and smiling face. It was so weak compared to Leo. He had just lost Leo again. Maybe in a dream, but it was still closer than he had been for days. He growled his hatred up at Don, whose face fell. Don looked around him, as if he'd just lost something, avoiding Raph's hateful eyes. "We should get you back to the lab so you can have some pain meds. Come on, Mikey. Let's get him up."

At first he thrashed and kicked. They wouldn't carry him. But the fight disappeared in minutes and Raph allowed himself to be carried like a ragdoll so he could sleep and try to remember the green grass and the orange leaves falling. But it wouldn't come. Instead he dreamed about a black bird, its black eyes staring at him, mocking him in its triumph.

* * *

_My pastor said once that in heaven we'll be blessed with no memory. That idea scared me at the time, but now that I'm older I think I get it. I wanted to explore that idea. I'll just say upfront that I'm protestant and my view of heaven reflects that. I don't wish to impose my worldview on the turtles, but I can only write what is in my own mind and I've tried to keep it on a more abstract and universal level so that it can be enjoyed by all._


	13. Chapter 13

_Took me forever to figure this out. I had lots of fun with this first part. The verses are Proverbs 7:6-9, 21-23, Isaiah 34:14. Also used an ancient incantation found on a Persian bowl. Little bit of a weird chapter. The word "Lilith" is only used once in the Bible and it's usually translated somehow, so I just replaced it with Lilith. I've seen several different translations and most are "night monster" or "night bird." I played it a little fast and loose with Don's dream. Let's give the kid a little privacy._

"_At the window of my house_

_I looked out through the lattice._

_I saw among the simple,_

_I noticed among the young men,_

_A youth who lacked judgment._

_He was going down the street near her corner,_

_Walking along in the direction of her house_

_At twilight, as the day was fading,_

_As the dark of night set in._

_With persuasive words she led him astray;_

_She seduced him with her smooth talk._

_All at once he followed her_

_Like an ox going to the slaughter,_

_Like a deer stepping into a noose_

_Till an arrow pierces is liver,_

_Like a bird darting into a snare,_

_Little knowing it will cost him his life."_

* * *

_Lilith was the first wife of Adam, created from the same earth by God. She lived in the Garden of Eden with her husband in the beginning. _

_Lilith said to Adam, "Why must you always be above me when you come into to me? I will only allow you to have me when we face each or I am next to you, for we are made of the same earth by the only God."_

_Adam said to Lilith, "You will do as I say and serve me as do the animals."_

_So evil grew in her heart and she grew wings from her back and flew from the Garden. She hid in the ocean. Lilith sat and waited for the angels of God to find her. _

_God told the angels, "She will come back of her own will and be forgiven or else I will cast her out forever."_

_So the angels went to Lilith where she sat in the water. They brought her God's command, asking that she return to Adam to be his wife and helpmate._

_But Lilith refused, declaring that she would take the children of man for her own and that in exchange she would allow 100 of her own children to die every day. The angels returned to God and told him that Lilith would not obey. _

_So God made Eve as Adam's wife. Having been made from Adam's body and not the same earth, Adam had dominion over his wife as he had wanted and she went on to bear him many sons and daughters including Cain, Abel and Seth._

_The demon Lilith, the harlot of nature, flew about taking revenge against mankind. She sometimes flew as a black Zu bird, all onyx and fiery eyed, snatching babies in her talons and tearing their flesh from their bones. _

_Her lust was insatiable and her everlasting blood needed feeding. She comes to men even now while they sleep, sucking their life. Lilith the Seducer oppresses their will and fills them with impurity. She drinks out the life with their seed. But her most cherished are the lost ones who she takes willingly. Their seed is the strongest. Their will untapped and restrained. It draws her like a moth._

_Lilith the She-Beast married a second time to Samael the angel of death as it was he who defiled Lilith so that she refused to return to Adam. The lilin were the offspring of Lilith and the Angel of Satan and they threatened to overtake the world and so God castrated Samael and the marriage was not allowed to last._

_She punishes the world, drinking the strong and killing the innocent, punishing man for her lost children._

Raph watched the black type until it moved. So Leo had been seduced by Satan's ex-wife. Well, not really Satan. More like Satan's vice president. He didn't know much about Judaism or Christianity and it made the information even more disgusting because he couldn't understand it.

So Leo and Adam fucked the same chick.

It figured. St. Leonardo couldn't just go out and lose his virginity to any old body. It had to be the first woman ever created.

He pulled his legs up closer to his chest, gathering the blankets around the dusty book that rested against his knees. Don would smite him if he knew he had been out of bed and then strained his busted skull reading.

That wasn't really it though. It was dirty. Emma was a demon. This filthy thing had not only killed his brother, but tricked him. Leo had actually loved it. It only wanted Leo's potent semen to keep it going. His stomach heaved.

How was Raph going to kill this thing? Because that's what he wanted to do. Cut open her chest and pull out her beating heart.

But he stared at the page and watched the black type dance around the page. The side lamp buzzed. He held his head in his hands as a white halo ringed his vision and pain echoed in the space between his ears.

And he remembered the warm grass and glowing sun for a second. It should make him feel better. Leo was happy and safe, without any knowledge of them and their troubles. Of course he was happier without them.

Raph would skull fuck Lilith to death.

* * *

_"The desert creatures will meet with the wolves,__  
__The hairy goat also will cry to its kind;__  
__Yes, Lilith will settle there__  
__And will find herself a resting place."_

He couldn't make his eyes stop moving. The room was his own. The same brown brick and broken gadgets. Don's eyes swiveled about and his chest constricted. He needed to move. To see. To look at that thing in the corner. Its black eyes stood out from the shadows.

His eyes traveled back and forth, the room just a blur of movement. They scanned the room in jerky jumps, swirling around the object of his desire, but refusing to lock on.

It was a bird. Or a woman. He couldn't tell really. Its wings were so wide that they rustled up against the wall where she squatted, crouched down, her knees drawn up to her chest to conceal her bare body.

Don commanded his legs and arms to move. Get up. Leave. But nothing happened. His chest swelled with helplessness. This was pointless. It must be a mirage. No naked woman with wings would sit in his bedroom. But all the same, it was a good idea to go get one of his brothers. And still all these rational thoughts couldn't hide the crawling fear.

Then she moved. She leered at him full of hunger. And she crawled onto his bed, over his paralyzed body, dragging her skin over his. She lowered herself down and arched her back over him. Vibrations of pleasure shot out from where her skin met his, softly brushing against his stomach.

But she was repulsive. A perfect shape. Soft breasts that lightly dragged across his plastron and a tight waist that he could wrap his hands around if he could've moved. But her skin was cracked and dead. Black blood leaked out and she snarled at him with pointed teeth, licking the blood with her blackened tongue that dripped down her lips.

She was so close to his face and he could smell the rot in her breath, but his body surged and he managed to move his legs slightly. Just enough to brush her hip with his thigh. To invite her in.

But he knew this was all wrong.

She settled down on him and he would have cried out if he could.

She was going to hurt him. Take something important.

He was asleep after all. Of course this wasn't real. What woman, no matter how repulsive would ever want him?

And then the room dissolved into clarity. The heaviness that haunted his body drained out of his limbs. He heard the furnace humming nearby and the toilet running. Somebody must have been up. And Mikey breathing in the other bed. The blankets shifted as he rolled over.

* * *

_The evil Lilith,__  
__ who causes the hearts of men to go astray__  
__ and appears in the dream of the night__  
__ and in the vision of the day…_

Leo's body was frozen solid. He put a hand to his brother's arm and it burned with the cold. None of the warm give of flesh. He would need to be thawed. How long would that take?

April bent over the freezer, her hand in front of her nose. The ice still couldn't block out the stench of decay completely. It was odd. Such a disgusting smell coming from something they used to love and revere. It used to be his brother.

But now it was just a dead body and there was no use dwelling on it.

"What are you two doing?" Raph asked. He leaned in the doorway, still weak. His eyes dark and half shut from the harsh halogen lights in the lab. "Is that… him in there?"

He shut the lid and April narrowly missed her fingers being pinched. "Yeah, it's in there."

"It?" He cocked his head slightly. "I want to see Leo."

"No, I don't think that's a good idea. And it isn't him. It's just a corpse."

Raph's chest rattled with a brittle laugh. "I want to see what you did with him. I want to see how you fucked him up, stuffing him in there."

"I think Don's right," April said. She faced Raph, but held on to the edge of the freezer and leaned away from him, trying to look casual. "He doesn't look like him anymore."

Raph plowed past them, easily brushing April aside. He threw his weight into Don, who did nothing to resist. Don secretly gave up hiding Leo before Raph even asked.

He threw up the lid and stared down and knitted his brow. "This is him?" It was so simple and childlike.

Nobody spoke. Raph didn't move. April and Don didn't look at each other. Don calculated the cuts he would make in Leo's abdomen and which tools needed sharpening first.

"He looks cold," Raph said. He reached down and put his hand on Leo's wrist. Set his face and held his hand there for much longer than Don would have. His hand must have been freezing by the time he withdrew it. "You guys going to cut him up now?" It wasn't the usual challenge. No fight or feeling. It sounded weak. All the strength drained that usually concealed it.

They didn't answer him. April reached over to pat him on the arm and he spun around, tripping sideways into the doorframe as he fled, slowly gripping the furniture as he fell back on the couch.

Mikey's voice said, "Quit wandering around. Your skull's still all cracked and your brain's swimming around. I'm going to make you some broth. I don't think you can eat real food yet. I mean, you'd just puke it up anyway. Why are you looking all bug-eyed like that? Snap out of it. Let's watch General Hospital and see if Carly killed Dante yet."

Don straightened the blankets on the infirmary bed. He didn't want April to see his eyes watering.

"I like Carly," Raph drawled. "She needs to shoot that sanctimonious fucker."

"You like her?" Mikey's voice rose and echoed clearly around the lab. Don could hear April pulling instruments out of the cupboards as he sniffed and blinked, looking at the blood and obvious urine stain from where Raph must have wet himself in the night without realizing it. "She's a total bitch. Can Dante help it? How did he know Michael would get raped in prison? It wasn't like he did it or anything."

Raph's voice was still low and hollow. "Young guys get raped in prison. In the showers or something."

"Ugh. I don't want to think about it."

"Who thinks up this shit?" Raph asked as the General Hospital theme song accompanied his voice.

His hand passed over something flat in the bed. A book. What had Raph been reading? The last book Raph had read was that novel about Hannibal Lecter. But this was one of Don's books. It was leather bound and the spine had come away from the pages completely. A few pages were bent over and Don stared at the words, skimming the article.

Lilith. Somebody had done research on that a while back and left it on his computer.

His eyes stuck on a sentence as if drawn by a magnet.

He read it again.

* * *

"_It will save you also from the adulteress,_

_From the wayward wife with her seductive words,_

_Who has left her partner of her youth_

_And ignored the covenant she made before God._

_For her house leads down to death_

_And her paths to the spirits of the dead._

_None who go to her return_

_Or attain the paths of life."_

The microwave was set for two minutes. It made his cup of soup run over. The microwave beeped. He read the clock. 9:23. 9:24. 9:25. 9:26.

Now it was cold.

Two more minutes.

Watched some ants creep around the counter. One of them carried a fallen comrade. Maybe he would eat him when he got home.

Microwave dinged again.

9:29. 9:30. 9:31.

Crushed an ant with his finger. One more little soldier who would never get home to his brothers.

Sometimes it hurt to breathe and then he held his breath for a while and his eyes cleared again and got dry.

Soup was cold now.

He'd make a sandwich. With peanut butter jelly because it wouldn't get cold.

Don's voice babbled like a waterfall in the lab. He should smash the jar and shove the shards through Don's heart. He pictured the blood on his fist and Don's shocked eyes.

Peanut butter was all greasy. Somebody got butter in it.

April seemed to think Don was being stupid. Why was that bitch still here anyway?

A lot of butter. Somebody must have double dipped. Maybe it was Leo.

Who cares who Maxi's dating? Mike got hard for every blond that came into his line of vision. Pervert.

Maybe Leo's saliva was still in this jar. No. He didn't lick knives. Maybe he breathed in it. His germs were inside with his DNA attached. Don would make some kind of cloning device and he would make them another Leo and he would remember them all and carry Leo's residual memories. And then Raph could get back to hurting him again.

Don was nearby now. Still talking. April was still nagging about something.

"It's her blood!" He was saying. "We just need her blood. I can fix it all…"

But Leo was happy now. He remembered Leo's unashamed affection for him. He'd never shown him unashamed affection, especially of a physical variety. There was something inexplicably disgusting about Leo that made him cringe. But it flashed across his mind.

They shouldn't make a new Leo. Like the old one was bad. The old one was okay. He was probably better off. Out there with their ancestors. He was worth it.

Raph knew he wouldn't go there. He'd never thought much of the clan. The ancestors must know about him.

Mikey was hopping up and down. Maybe Maxi had an orgasm.

He would eat the soup. Turned on the microwave again.

Raph was never very much. Never thought of himself as being much of anything. The ancestors would know that better than anybody else. Everyone had something.

Nearly everybody.

9:38. 9:39.

"I can bring him back! I can fix him!"

What was Don on about now? "Fix who?" he asked.

Don grunted with excited frustration. "Leo! I think I can make him right again."

"Bring him back to life?" Raph asked himself.

Why was Don making fun of him this way? He enjoyed his suffering. How many times had Don taken Leo away from him? He'd let him die and hadn't helped him. He'd put him in that freezer. He'd… done something else. Something worse. But he couldn't place it.

And now he was going to give him back again just to fuck it all up and tell him he was gone. For real this time. Sorry. Those other times were trial runs. Now he's really gone.

So Raph took the knife out of the jelly jar and jammed it inside Don's stomach. Blood mixed with the grape and his eyes widened, not really with surprise. He wasn't shocked that this happened. April screamed because she was helpless.

A punch connected with his jaw and he blinked as he hit the floor. He would have to eat the soup later, he supposed.

"_You are bound and sealed,__  
__ all you demons and devils and liliths…"_


	14. Chapter 14

_Don't really know what to say here. More strange ideas. I've been really charging ahead with The Black Wings. I guess I've been in a fairly emo mood lately. I was going to add more stuff, but I guess I'll leave it until next chapter. This one seems to have a good beat to it._

**3 PM**

Raph was back in the lair. He didn't remember the walk back from Emma's apartment. Maybe he could watch it burn if he turned on the television. The lair looked empty. Didn't sound empty though. Don, Mikey and Splinter were all crying out of sight. Sounded like the place was haunted.

He wouldn't be a part of that. So he went to the kitchen. Stood in the middle of the room. Sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. Stared at the wood grain for a while.

"You must stop this loud crying, Michelangelo!" his father's voice said with an unusually harsh tone, choked hypocritically with its own tears.

Even Splinter cried.

Raph would go in the lab soon and force them away from Leo. It wasn't right to make him listen to all that sniveling and whining.

**4 PM**

"Raphael," Splinter said as Raph hovered a few feet outside of the lab. He could only see Leo's hand, lying at his side on bed. Don's shell blocked his view as he sat at the computer and idly clicked with the mouse. Mikey was somewhere inside, but he couldn't see him. He could hear him.

He wanted to push Splinter aside and force them out of the room. They didn't deserve to be in the room with him. Now they would make him feel like the outsider and prove that he should be there. All of them watching him, gauging his grief. Making sure it was right. He needed to cry to show them that he was normal.

Fuck that.

Sensei grabbed his arm, but he pulled away.

Don didn't acknowledge him at all. Too busy comforting himself with his anime porn or something.

Mikey was curled up in a ball on the van seat across the room, bawling loudly. Disgusting. He wanted to hit him in his snot filled head to make him shut up. Grab one of those old carburetor parts and crack open his skull. Watch the blood pour out. Then it would be two down. Two to go. That would solve the turtle problem.

There was Leo. Dead. His eyes were still open. Brown and wide. Bloodshot and still. He watched for movement, but nothing happened. Leo was always too still.

**6 PM**

Raph sat in the lab like he was supposed to with his brothers and father and listened to them talk. Nodded like he should and grumbled an occasional assent. It didn't seem decent to leave Leo laying there with his eyes open, unblinking. They would get dry. He didn't want to see the pleading look on his face. Wondering why his little brother wouldn't wake up and take care of him in his last minutes on earth. An immortalized accusation.

What were his last thoughts? Probably that it would be better to die than to spend any more time with him. Raph was upset again. Raph was missing again. Raph hurt Leo again. Death must be a nice escape for him. Like an eternal vacation without him. He tried to count all the times Leo told him he was sorry. Always willing to take the blame to make Raph love him better.

Turned his head and a few tears fell and landed on his knees, but nobody noticed. Too busy talking about the funeral. He was nothing but a body now after all.

**7 PM**

Leo's life must have been one long mantra of "I'm sorry, Raph." It was what he said when he had nothing else to say, but was unwilling to let whatever it was go.

"Raphael," his father said as he opened the death trunk in his room. That's where all the funeral robes, incense and prayers were kept. Written out nicely in Japanese script, praying that their souls would find their way to their ancestors. Mikey reached in and pulled out Leo's death robe. They'd made them all by hand last year and each one would wear their own black robe at their funeral.

Splinter pulled out a few other items and lowered the lid. "It is your responsibility…"

Raph caught the lid of the trunk and pulled out his own robe. He pulled it on and let it hang open as he sat down next to Don, cross-legged on the floor.

Raph knew Don was about to tell him off for being morally bankrupt. For being too morbid. For being too self-pitying. You're so selfish Raph. Always looking for attention.

But Don went to the trunk and pulled out his own robe and put it on. He sat down next Raph without any sound and barely any movement. It was almost like it hadn't happened.

"I don't want to wear mine," Mikey said. "Why are you guys doing that?"

It's my funeral too.

Splinter shut the lid of the trunk after Mikey pulled out his own robe and put it on. It was a little too tight in the arms. He sat down, looking at both of his brothers with his bottom lip pouted out slightly.

"Raphael, you are my oldest son now and it is up to you to perform the necessary tasks. And it is up to you alone. Leonardo requested that you specifically perform the bathing ritual."

"Sure… okay…" he said. He didn't remember what Splinter said and needed to hear it repeated several times.

**9 PM**

He didn't really care what his brothers were doing. They moved around in the living room, rearranging the furniture. Well, two of them were moving around. The other was dead in the bathtub.

Raph turned on the water and angled Leo's head out of the stream. As if the water would hurt him. It hurt his mind to see it. Water just running into his face, his eyes wide open, frozen in the moment of death. Raph's failure permanently affixed in his brother's expression.

His skin was still soft. Raph absently ran his hand over Leo's arm. The contact would have made him cringe yesterday. He knew this wouldn't last long. Soon he would stink with slime and decay.

Raph filled the tub. What soap should he use? They all had their own fussy hygienic preferences. He should use the nice stuff. Something that smelled good. The Sunday best. Maybe that awful cologne that made Leo smell like a cheap air freshener. April said she supposed it was full of pheromones because she had an inexplicable need to jump him whenever he wore it. Raph wore it, but it didn't have the same effect. She'd just wrinkled up her nose and asked why he smelled like a pine tree. Maybe Leo had some kind of sexy smell that he didn't.

He'd never had to bathe his own brother before. He remembered all those times when two or even three of them had to shower together and all the pushing and shoving and insults directed at bodily odors, functions and genitalia. But he'd never had to wash one of them.

He washed his arms and torso quickly. More scars than he remembered. Little crisscrossing spider webs and he remembered when most of the healed scars were bloody wounds and remembered sticking his own weapons into a few of those gashes.

He started at the other end. Cleaned his blackened and calloused feet and moved up his legs. Never really noticed how powerful his brother was. Then his hand stopped as he moved up past his knees.

True, there wasn't much sacred left between them. But there were a few things.

Leo was dead now. What did it matter? And he was supposed to plug up all his holes with cotton. He had to stick his fingers up Leo's ass to get this done. And in his nose and ears and throat.

**10 PM**

He drained the bathwater and watched the festering blood and bile swirl down the drain and chased it down with some clean water. Raph pulled out the rolled up cotton strips.

Leo's eyes stared back at him, still begging for comfort.

It wasn't easy to shut them. His eyelids just popped open again every time he tried. It wasn't as easy as in the movies, when bereaved and sensitive relatives shut the eyes of their loved one to help them along into peaceful sleep. Finally, his eyelids stayed shut, but his jaw still hung open. More bile and filth crept out occasionally and dripped down.

He would plug that first and jammed some cotton up inside. He still couldn't shut his jaw while he sat propped up in the bathtub.

Then he rolled up a few little rolls and stuck them in his ears and nose. That wasn't so bad.

**11 PM**

Now he sat on the floor next to the bathtub with his face in his hands, trying to quiet down the shaking. Catching the tears on his fingers to keep them from reaching the floor and holding his breath at the same time. Nobody would hear him. Leave no evidence.

Leo's body was curled up in the fetal position in the tub. Long legs didn't let him lie out at full length. He was fully packed with cotton. Make sure the impure fluids didn't flow out and scare anyone.

"You lied to me," he croaked and gasped as his lungs demanded oxygen.

Seemed like he was forgetting something important. He should be doing something.

Fighting something. Hitting somebody. Yelling.

It was better to be still. Quench the fire with no movement.

**13 PM**

Don found the flowers. Gathered them off the lawn of a McDonald's or something. Raph was supposed to build an altar next to the body.

"He will be glad that you are doing this for him," Splinter said. Made it sound like he was still alive.

Club music blasted from the living room accompanied by Mikey's howling sobs. Trying to cover it up or else cheer himself up. Maybe both. Maybe there was no reason at all.

He hadn't seen either of his brothers for hours. Didn't care. Raph wanted them all to leave the room. Just leave him alone. Stop asking if he was okay.

He wasn't okay. How much more obvious could he make it? He was practically screaming.

**14 PM**

"Are you going to eat something? You haven't eaten all day," Don said in his ear. Don pretended he didn't notice what Raph was really doing. Just act like he was being normal. About to butter some bread. Standing there in the kitchen with a butcher knife and no food in sight and his arms in the sink.

"Why fuck around with it? We know what'll happen anyway."

"Know what?" His voice never held any shock, no matter what he did. Don't upset the vicious animal. He'll bite and claw. Give you rabies.

Don took the knife out of his hand and put it back in the drawer. "If you're not going to eat, then maybe you should go to bed." He didn't really know what he was talking about. Needed to sound like he knew what was going on. Give some guidance. It was only eight o'clock at night.

**16 PM**

A few hours later everyone had gone to bed or at least retreated to the bedrooms. Mikey hung on to Raph's robe, begging him to cuddle. He wanted both his living brothers where he could touch them. Raph shrugged and said, "I need to fix the altar. You don't want me to sleep in there." I just had to finger fuck my brother. Don't touch me. "I'll probably toss and turn."

Splinter hovered nearby and Raph wanted to scream at him and tell him to leave. He jerked and twitched with every concerned touch.

He finished the stupid altar. It looked like shit.

Realized he was alone with Leo again.

**20 PM**

He arranged Leo on his side facing the wall and pushed his legs up a little towards his chest. That's how he liked to sleep. In the fetal position. Raph thought it made him look like a baby. Didn't make him look any more alive.

But he sat next to him on the edge of the bed and then pushed his fingers into Leo's wrist and looked for a pulse. Dead and still. He should want to cause some damage over this.

Instead he lay down on the bed and curled his body around Leo. Tucked his kneecaps behind Leo's and wrapped his arms around his chest. Not as broad as his own, but still powerful.

He must have given up. Leo was invincible. Could someone just give up on life? Decide it was too hard?

Yes. It was possible. He put his hand over Leo's heart and felt the stillness. Waited for something to happen. Maybe they misunderstood. Maybe Splinter taught him how to die by his own will.

Smelled the back of his brother's neck. No smell left for him.

When he was small and still thought they were blood, he wished that they were twins. Then they shared an egg. Raph didn't like being alone in the dark and he was sure an egg would have been dark. He knew Leo must have been there if he'd gotten through it.

But they weren't blood and Raph knew he was just a weak coward, sleeping with a corpse. There was no way Leo could protect him from the dark now.

Raph was scared and alone, but no tears came this time.

"My Leo, wake up," he mouthed silently as he fell asleep.

**6 DAYS PM**

Six days postmortem, Raph lay on the floor looking up at Don. He sat in a kitchen chair with a bloody gash in his stomach and wrinkled up his nose as Mikey pulled the skin together and pulled the thread through.

"I told you not to let me fuck around," Raph said to the floor.

Raph was being punished. He'd violated his brother. Unable to save him even in death. Now he was doomed to lose him in an endless cycle.


	15. Chapter 15

_I know I'm mixing mythologies here. The ending feels rushed but I'm just going to claim it "flows easily."_

Another long work day. His feet would ache if they still had flesh. The bony joints ground together and the scraping frightened the fish away in little swirling eddies around the skiff. All those people wandering on the shore got on his nerves. They could never stay away from the boat long enough for him to load the next unfortunate. Maybe they needed to fence them in like cattle.

He nearly tripped on his black robes and cursed the required uniform. "Get back! It's not my fault you didn't have correct change!" He whacked an old lady over the head with his oar and shoved her away as she groped towards him, her eyes wide and pleading. "You old bag. Bet your kids are glad you're gone. Who's next?"

And there he was at the front of the line. Again. A repeat customer. Charon saw a few of them. Mostly hero types on some kind of epic journey to rescue so-and-so from the whatever. This one just seemed to be either really accident prone or destined to spend his life in a perpetual cycle of dying.

"You again?" Charon asked as he docked his skiff on the shore and shooed away more stranded souls.

The green hero scowled. "I never been here before. Take me to the Satan or whoever is in charge."

Charon knew the spiel. They never remembered after leaving. He proposed recording a welcome and orientation speech to play to the newcomers, but his overseer thought it lacked a personal touch. "You were just here last week. And now you're back again? You're not even dead this time. Do you have... wait... You actually want to see Samael?"

He tried to board the boat, putting his meaty leg over the edge, ready to leap at him. "He took something of ours."

"Why should I? I have all these others here who are really dead. Why do you get to go first?"

"I'm more important."

Charon laughed and his grating voice scratched the surface of the waters and cast the stink of death upon the cowering crowd. He could use a lozenge. "So? You got payment?"

He'd made it across last time. Spent a while arguing about how Charon should move into the next century and accept credit. He'd asked if he had money on credit and he offered him a five dollar Wendy's giftcard. Good enough. On you get.

The naked mutant searched his pockets for a coin and pulled out a poker chip. "Good as money."

He bit it. "Not gold. And it's not minted. I can taste the difference. Sorry, pal." Good riddance. What an annoying fare.

But he persistently sat his muscular ass in his skiff and said, "Now paddle, Mr. Bones. I don't have all day."

He tapped him on the side of the head and easily pushed him overboard and back onto the bank.

Gurgle. Splutter. Splash. "What the fuck?" He floated in the water, hanging on to the edge of the boat. "Do you want me to capsize this? Your bony ass can float back to hell!"

"Just as mouthy as last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. You're on your fourth life, Thomasina."

"Who?"

He deflected a slight flick of the mutant's wrist to throw his weight back on-board. "The first time you mixed bleach and ammonia when you were cleaning the toilet. Can't say I ever saw a hero die from that before. Then you had an artery cut and were saved by the skin of your reptilian teeth by your brother." The hero's golden eyes narrowed until they were yellow slits. "Then you went out and got yourself killed and you were all, 'I'm dead. Yay! My life was so emo and unbearable!' Now you're here and you're alive? I think this is a record. I mean, not even Achilles made it back this many times."

The passenger shook the skiff and said, "Enough of the memory lane of my deaths! I have a job to do here!"

His eyeballs rotated in their skeletal sockets and all the lost souls wailed in agony. "Oh, shut it, you cheapskates! I'll give you a ride if you do something for me. Like bartering services."

And mutant hero's arrogance drowned in the raging quiet of the River Styx. He thought he wanted sex or something. As if.

"Depends." The floating mutant leered away from him, sending black ripples towards the shore.

"I want you to give me a foot rub."

"Oh, hell no!" He eyed the metatarsals stained with the salt of eons with disgust. If only Doctor Scholl's made a pad that could help him. He'd asked when he came through. Nothing. "You don't even have skin on those things. What am I supposed to rub?"

"Hey, I'm on my feet all day here and I want a little R&R for a change. Fine. You can go sit up there with all those people who died penniless. Go on. Git!" He threatened him with the oar again and the mutant caught the wooden paddle in his hand, but the force of the swing pushed him backwards in the boat, his feet sticking up in the air. "Okay!" he yelled while still on his back, his legs relaxing in defeat. "I'll do it. Just get me across."

The hideous mutant massaged his toe bones as he slowly paddled and groaned loudly. "Oh, that feels great. Get up in there more..."

"Fucking pervert. You done yet? Paddle faster. I'm on an important mission here."

Charon leaned back and said, "You're better company than Orpheus at least. What a chump. Whined the whole time about some girlfriend of his. And do you know how the slob died?" He waited for a response as the mutant growled ignorance and apathy in a single tone. "He was torn apart by adoring fans."

The mutant hero sighed in boredom.

"Hey, your brother was all over my stories. I had to kick him out of the boat."

"My brother?" That brought him back to life. He sat up and reached for the weapons on his waist. "You seen him? How is he?"

"Dead." Charon yawned and steered a little left towards the main gate. "Pretentious and talked the whole time about how he'd failed his clan and brothers and father and society and stuff."

"Quit fucking around with me! He's here?"

"I could really use a meatball hoagie. You ever had one?"

The green hero didn't answer and spent the rest of the boat ride hunched over, brooding. Charon hummed "Row Row Row Your Boat." After a while, Charon asked, "So how are you going to get past the guard?"

"Fight." He held up his steel weapons.

Charon shrugged. At least he could have a few minutes amusement watching him get killed.

As the shadowy gates of Hades loomed into the horizon, the passenger sat up, his foot sliding down from the edge of the boat where he'd been reclining. "That's the gate? What's that black thing in front of it?"

"The guard."

"What?" He nearly capsized the skiff as he scurried to the other end of the skiff to get a better look. "That looks like a... dog... with three fucking heads! Why didn't you say anything?"

The boat thumped into the black sands of the shore and Charon knocked the live body out into the shallow waters with his canoe oar. "You never asked. You were all up in my grill about how your task was important so I figured you could handle it. See you. Have fun."

Charon paddled back across the river, listening to the hungry growls of Cerberus, son of Typhon and Echidna. The three headed-hound with a mane of serpents and a snake for a tail and a green mutant hero for lunch. Lucky bastard.

* * *

Raph limped over the gate as the drooling beast barked after him and the ground shook with the bass. Blood ran down his gory knuckles as he pushed all his weight into the gate and heard it latch shut just as the dog's body slammed into it. "Yeah, that's right, bitch!" he yelled at the middle dog's head as its red eyes glared at him, lips curled back at the prey just out of reach.

Now to find Leo.

Raph had left home, determined to get to the land of the dead. Just a simple matter of bribing a voodoo priestess to send him on a psychic journey using astral projection. The usual stuff. Master Splinter spent his days trying to reach Leo through meditation, but it wasn't working. Raph knew it hadn't even though he never said a word. The empty look in his eyes said so much.

Meddling with the dead is the pastime of the weak, his father had warned. That was fine. They didn't need to know. And if Satan wanted a life in exchange, then he could take his. All he did was stab helpful brothers and try to get himself killed for no reason anyway.

Then he hesitated. What was wrong with him? Why was he determined to only see the miserable side to everything? Mikey was already talking about how Leo was in a better place and happier than any of them. Already found a way to make it a good thing. "You know, Leo was always more in tune with the spiritual side of existence. I bet he's where he belongs now. And he's watching out for us, you know."

He wasn't where he belonged. He belonged at home with them.

Hell didn't look so bad. If that's what it was. A brown expanse of sand spread out before him in rolling dunes that met an orange sky. No depth to it. He wanted to hide from the pressing sepia stillness. Find something with life in it.

No palace. He'd expected a huge obsidian castle with leering gargoyles surrounding the turrets. There was just a black throne in the middle of the sand and a young man sitting on it with a glowingly beautiful face. Raph wanted to go the other way and avoid him, but his instincts told him that he had found the man in charge.

"Welcome," the young man said, with shrewd and narrowed eyes. "You come looking for someone."

Raph struck an arrogant posture. He wasn't leaving without Leo, even if he had to fight Satan to do it. "I'm here for my brother."

"Which brother. You have 283 brothers and all have passed before you."

"Look! I'm not here to play games with the devil..."

The young king laughed at him and the sound was lost in nothing. "I'm not the devil. I am Samael. The angel of death. So you are here for the adopted brother Leonardo of the Hamato clan?"

"Yeah, princess. Give him back or I'll stick this through your pretty eyesocket." He held up a sai and twirled it around on his palm by the point.

Samael scoffed and rolled his glowing blue eyes. "How could you kill me? I'm not alive. Did you bring nothing but your physical strength?"

What? Did Satan think he was stupid? "I know who you are. You're a demon and an angel at the same time and you're married to Lilith. I can read, you know." He tried to ignoring the roaring silence and the instinct to run back to the gate and scream for Charon to come back and paddle him away. This was too important. Just ignore it. Walk it off. "I'm not here to talk about you. I'm here for Leo."

A little smile. Almost flirty. "Why should I? There's nothing you can do to make me. Go ahead and hit me..."

Raph had the sai in his stomach before he finished the sentence. And then watched as it slid harmlessly though his torso. The sai exploded back out, throwing Raph back a step, his toes digging into the hot sand. No blood. No damage. Just a smirk. "I was wondering though. Would you be willing to make a deal with the devil? Or with the devil's prince of demons as is this case?"

"Anything. Whatever. As long you don't fuck me over. Take me and give him back."

Samael sneered his pearly mouth as he looked Raph up and down. "You are not equal to him. He was a warrior and..."

"So am I!" He curled up his fists and hoped he didn't look like a pouting child.

"He was a gentle spirit as well. You are just... an animal... no subtly." He sat back down in his throne. "But I could give you a task to prove yourself deserving. I want Lilith dead."

"Lilith dead? Done." He turned around to leave, the fight already forming in his head.

Samael clicked his tongue. "Don't you want to find out how to kill her?"

"Sharp thing through the skull should... oh, fuck. She's like you, isn't she?" He stopped and his shoulders sagged a little.

A little chuckle from Samael. "Not quite. But there is a prophesy that she can be killed. I'd like you to do it."

Raph turned around and shrugged. "So what's the prophesy?"

Samael smiled and looked around himself, at the sandy dunes. "Maybe you should have read more before you came down here to see me and demand for things that are not yours. I will only tell you that in order to kill Lilith, you must go through another first."

"Who? You?"

Samael looked back at him and his eyes seemed darker and more hollow than he remembered. "I will only tell you the name. Blindragon."

"Blindragon. Got it. Bye." He turned around again, hoping Don wasn't too offended by being recently stabbed to help him with research.

And then Samael was standing in front of him, arms crossed. "Where are you going? I cannot permit you to leave."

"Is Blindragon here then?" He tried to ignore the creepy unease at Samael's presence. His too perfect skin. The light eminating from his core.

"No. He is currently in New York City, close to your home, looking for the demon Lilith. You will stay here."

Raph felt like stamping his foot and screaming. "How do I kill something all the way from here? And I don't even know what the damn thing is!"

"You found a way here and I commend you on that. If you can find your way here, then you can find a way to destroy this spirit from here. I have confidence in you. Isn't that what you want? For others to have more faith in you?" He put a hand on Raph's shoulder as if he were an old buddy. A frigid jolt shot through him and he jerked away. "You think you can leave here? You may have gotten past Cerberus, but you can't leave here now."

Raph moved his legs. His brain commanded his legs to move, but nothing happened. Feet rooted in the sand. "Ugh! Motherfucker! Let go of me!"

"I'm not holding you. Physically at least. I'm curious to see how you will accomplish this." He sat back in the throne, lazily dangling his legs over the arm. "You have all of Hades to explore."

"Fuck you!" He stomped off and slid clumsily down a sand dune as he stomped away. He would find a way.


End file.
